You’ve stumbled upon disturbing news. Perhaps your 16 year old daughter has been attending the local “gay-straight” alliance in her school and has come home with the bombshell that she is a lesbian. Or you have discovered your 15 year old son’s correspondence on the Internet with another male -- and it’s obvious they have very intimate knowledge of each other. Or maybe your son has just expressed some questions to you that make you wonder ‘whether he is gay’. Or you’ve found homosexual pornography in his room. Or your daughter has been reading some pro-gay literature and passing it on to you.
The grief cycle has hit you -- like an express train broadsiding you. But it is not from your 25 year old son or daughter, living with a lover in a faraway city -- but right in your own home, under your nose night and day. You feel repulsed, betrayed, helpless, isolated, resentful, and perhaps devastated by waves of shame and self-pity. How should you respond as a Christian parent? And is there hope?
1. Carefully Discern -- “Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you will be like him yourself. Answer a fool according to his folly, or he will be wise in his own eyes.” (Proverbs 26:4-5)
Learn to discern. Is he just trying to be outrageous and shocking by appearing to embrace the outlandish--or something more? Homosexuality is touted as something exotic and chic--like that wide haircut or those unusual body piercings. Is she simply trying on the latest fashion, to see how it fits--or enmeshed in something deeper? The exotic can easily become the erotic, and every act of rebellion also has elements of unbelief woven in, so take matters seriously--but avoid making mountains out of molehills by overreacting.
It is appropriate to grieve the effects of the Fall, and you can expect to feel all the stages of the grief cycle (shock, denial, anger, fear, numbness...). But hysteria on your part is not going to build the bridges you need to build. Ask Christ to make you more ‘shockproof’ as a parent of a teenager. But also more sensitive to the desperate cries and throbbing aches of the heart of your teen for intimacy, belonging, and adventure. Adolescence is a tough time for most teens, and as they come to terms with who they are as a man or woman they need the wisdom of those who have gone before them.
2. Personally Repent -- “When I kept silent, my bones wasted away...then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord -- and you forgave the guilt of my sin.” (Psalm 32:3,5)
Being honest with yourself means you must be willing to admit your own daily need of the Gospel. Where are the areas of pride, fear, and unbelief that you need to honestly repent of as a parent? Lead your daughter or son in repentance. Ask Christ for the grace to admit your shortcomings, yes, your failures as a parent. Fact is, none of us had perfect parents--and none of us will be perfect parents. Life in a fallen world means that there is indeed something wrong with everything--so that even our most intimate relationships don’t work out like they should.
Patterns of emotional distancing between a child and the same-sex parent happen early in life, long before anyone is aware of what is really going on. And patterns of manipulation and overcontrol by the opposite-sex parent are likewise subtle and not immediately apparent to anyone involved. Your teen may not be aware of what has happened and probably won’t be able to verbalize ‘what went wrong,’ but don’t be daunted by this. In fact, if she has already bought completely into the ‘just born this way’ myth, then your attempts to talk about your family dynamics may well be met with hostility and/or denial. She has a lot invested in such ‘no fault’ thinking that wants to make sure you feel OK as a parent. She may not allow you to ‘be a sinner’ in front of her-- or others.
“I’m OK, you’re OK,” is a common element of gay ideology-- and indeed all pop culture today. But you must continue to invite her to the truth, and the doorway to her realizing her sin often will be your own humility and open repenting before her.
3. Gently Instruct -- “Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will.” (2 Timothy 2:25)
Most often, there is an earnest plea for attention going on. And usually this isn’t the first time that your teen has ‘cried out’ for attention. But whenever the emotional and relational needs for same-sex affection, affirmation and identification are not met early on in life, then it is common for those emotional desires to become sexualized during adolescence. When the cup of life is jostled by the buffets of adolescent hormones, it is the substance of what has been filling that cup for many years that spills out. And decisions that are then made on the basis of those heart-level needs can either lead to redemptive deliverance or further enslavement and bondage to sin.
Even if the past seems a total disaster, there is hope through the power of the risen Christ for relationships to be different now and in the future. Your teen needs parents willing to take the risks of bold love and uncompromising instruction in the path of life. He needs a father, a male figure who is strong and courageous in speaking the truth in love--a dad who is willing to shatter the silence even on admittedly uncomfortable subjects. He needs a mother who is open-handed before the Lord, not demanding of perfection or overprotective and manipulative but willing to love with the truth.
Truth-telling in the home must become the standard--for everyone. No ‘white lies’ are allowed; all deception, even that which seems innocent, must be ruthlessly weeded out. Your teen needs to be pursued with the truth and not allowed to wander in the wasteland of post-modern ethics where ‘it can’t be wrong when it feels so right.’
4. Set Reasonable Boundaries -- “But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.” (Joshua 24:15)
If your young person is under age 18 and/or still living under your roof and authority, there need to be reasonable guidelines agreed upon by all. Life with any number of sinners under one roof means that sparks will fly.
Conflict will happen, so expect it. And sexual sin -- of any type -- should not be winked at. Certainly pornography of any kind should not be tolerated, for all sexual sin begins with impurity in the mind and lust in the heart. All inappropriate, destructive intimacy (with the same or opposite sex) must be ‘put off’ ever as healthy, genuine intimacy is ‘put on.’
Watch for emotional dependencies just as much as sexual activity, for the one can quickly lead to the other. You cannot allow manipulation -- or threats -- from your teen. The consequences must be made clear to all concerned. While every annoyance cannot be the cause for discipline, redemptive parental discipline must be brought to bear for transgressions involving disobedience, dishonesty, or disrespect. When boundaries are willfully crossed, such rebellion must not be minimized or avoided but rather dealt with straightforwardly.
Healthy discipline involves natural consequences that are meaningful and respectful to your teen and that are carried out in a timely way. Above all, you want to ask Christ not to let you exasperate your teen (Ephesians 6:4) even as you must give him or her significant, life-giving boundaries.
5. Go for the Heart -- “Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life.” (Proverbs 4:23)
Don’t be fooled -- homosexuality is not just about sex. “Being gay” is a gospel issue, a heart issue reflecting the core of our being. Such heart cravings cannot be dealt with by behavior modification techniques. Avoid ‘just say no’ moralism. More rules is not the answer -- changing your relationship with your teen is closer to the target. You will want to ‘just fix this’, but it is not your job to fix your teen -- and you can’t fix the heart of another person even if you wanted to.
God alone is Lord of the heart, and He alone can change a sinner -- any sinner -- from the inside out. The root issues that give rise to homosexual longings -- such as pride, fear, unbelief, anger, rebellion, rejection, envy -- are the core issues that require ongoing repentance from us all. But change doesn’t usually happen overnight, and never in a vacuum. The idols of our hearts are not easily or willingly replaced without a battle.
Set the pace in pursuing change yourself, at the heart level, and then you will be able to invite your teen to pursue deep change ALONG WITH you. Your teen needs to know Christ better, and so do you.
6. Enlist Support -- “Bear one another’s burdens, and thus fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2)
Because change doesn’t happen in a vacuum -- for you OR your teen -- you need other spiritual support in this battle. You need a friend or two with whom you can be completely frank and honest about your own heart aches and issues, your own griefs and disappointments -- someone who will love you enough to walk beside you along this often painful path of change.
You cannot handle this alone -- and Jesus designed life that way. It is not an admission of weakness to own your need of the prayers of other believers, but an admission that the Body of Christ really is what God intends for it to be. You must risk opening up your heart because you need the specific prayers of other Christians to not only survive but to thrive.
Find a pastor, an elder, a counselor, a friend, or a support group such as those at Harvest USA (see "Find a Ministry" on this website).
Conclusion
Facing the wreckage of life as a parent in a fallen world can be tiring, frustrating, overwhelming. But you don’t need to face it alone. Christ knows all about your pain-- and that of your teenager. He tasted and drank the cup of agony and wrath -- He has been there and done that. And because homosexuality or using the label ‘gay’ is an ‘identity’ issue, it is just the sort of problem that Jesus specializes in. He continually offers us a new identity, so that we are no longer defined by our pain, our sin, or our failures.
The Cross shows us a Savior who, though sinless, became sin for us -- that we might be clothed in His righteousness in the great exchange (2 Corinthians 5:21). And His resurrection proves that all He promised is true. Christ’s victory over death means that there is hope for you -- and your son or daughter. He longs that we might have life, and have it to the full (John 10:10). Not an easy, pain-free life, but a life of surprising beauty, of ravishing intimacy, and abundant adventure nonetheless. For He is with us, and He is Life itself.
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Originally published under the title: Facing the Wreckage: Hope for Parents of Gay Teens. Copyright 1999, 2000 HARVEST USA. All rights reserved. For other excellent articles, go to www.harvestusa.org |
