by Mike Goeke

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My dad was a loving leader, Spiritual and otherwise, of our family. My parents were equally active in the lives of both my brother and me. I experienced no sexual, emotional or physical abuse. While I know now that my family had its own issues, there were none of the ‘red flags’ often associated with homosexuality. Yet, in the midst of my very typical middle class family existence, I developed an early attraction for men. I was sensitive, insecure and artistic, and the other boys treated me differently and made fun of me. I was called a ‘fag’ for the first time in the sixth grade at my Christian school. I did not know what it meant, but nevertheless the seed of a new identity was planted.

My intense desire to be like other boys turned sexual in junior high school. I was mortified by my desires, and vowed never to act on them and never to tell anyone about them. I suppressed my homosexual desires by seeking perfection in academics and leadership – areas that seemed to be within my control. I was a high achiever throughout high school, college and law school. Suppressing my desires, however, did nothing to stop the feelings and longings that grew within me. My heart began to resemble my exterior less and less. As I became more and more religious, my relationship with the
Lord became less and less real, and more and more contrived.

Following law school, I began dating a fellow Baylor graduate named Stephanie. We had a good group of friends, and were active leaders in Bible Study Fellowship. On the surface our relationship was founded in the Lord, but it was also rooted in deception. My secret struggles had continued to grow, and I was beginning to become depressed. I pursued marriage with the hope that it would squelch rumors about my sexuality and, even more, that it might help ‘fix’ me. Stephanie and I married in September of 1994. We lived in Midland, Texas, where I was an attorney and Stephanie was a teacher. We were involved in church and Bible study and lived a ‘perfect couple’ existence. All the while my secret homosexual desires continued to grow. In December of 1995, I discovered America On Line (AOL). AOL was the beginning of the end.

I was lured by the chat rooms, and the gay identified people who seemed to be a lot like me. I ‘met’ people who claimed to be Christian and who didn’t seem to have a problem with homosexuality. I slowly began to withdraw from my marriage and other relationships. I told Stephanie I wanted a divorce, but never told her about my struggle with homosexuality. I recanted my desire for a divorce, and instead I told her I needed a career change. I quit my job as an attorney and we moved to Lubbock, Texas, where I began pursuing an Architecture degree at Texas Tech University.

Once in Lubbock, my will to avoid AOL lasted about two weeks. I soon had an online support group of gay men in Lubbock who encouraged me to accept my homosexuality. My research of gay Christian theology had convinced me that gay was ok with God.

On November 1, 1996, I left Stephanie a letter on the door telling her I was gay and that I wanted a divorce. After leaving Stephanie, I made up for lost time and jumped head first into the gay lifestyle. I was out and proud. I went to the Metropolitan Community Church and was determined to be a different kind of gay man – moral, upright and nonpromiscuous. I failed miserably and completely from day one.
Meanwhile, the immediate rejection from Stephanie and my family that I expected did not happen. While no one accepted what I was doing as right, no one rejected me or cut me off. Stephanie had known nothing of my struggle and had no exposure to homosexuality, but she refused to pursue a
divorce. She said “God put us together and I don’t know how, but I know He can repair this situation.”

Looking back on that time, I have realized that the spiritual foundation I received in my youth held firm. As determined as I was, I had no peace. Yet, even in my state of disrupted fellowship with God, I still could not fathom how I could be any different. I continued to pursue my homosexual dream with gusto.

I went home to my parents’ house during Easter of 1997. It was a tense weekend, and I vowed that I would file divorce papers the next week and never return to my parents’ house again. As I was leaving, my dad gave me the book “You Don’t Have to be Gay,” which I viewed as right-wing propaganda and took only to appease him. I believe that the Holy Spirit physically caused my hands to open that book, and within two days I had completed it.

It was the first testimony I had ever heard of someone who had left the gay lifestyle. As the author referenced Scripture, I saw the truth. God did love me just as I was, but he could not leave me there. I sat on the floor of my sparsely furnished garage apartment and knew I was to go home to Stephanie. I argued for days with God and heard only one response to my arguments…”I love you.”

Stephanie was shocked when I showed up at her door, but she accepted me home. We moved back to Midland where my old law firm offered me my job back, and both of us began the arduous process of personal and emotional healing. We attended our first Exodus freedom Conference about two months later and were filled with hope for change. There was no ‘ex-gay’ ministry in Midland, but a wonderful Bible study leader and Christian counselor began to meet with me regularly and simply
pointed me to Christ. He helped me unpack my true identity – as a man and a child of God. While it was a very hard time, God began to work amazing healing and transformation in both of us. He changed our lives.

The church that I harbored such bitterness and anger towards became a huge part of our healing. Early on, God prompted us to quit looking for a place to have our needs met and instead to find a place to serve. We became a part of a new church called Stonegate Fellowship, and it was there that God called us into ministry. We started an Exodus Member Ministry and shared our testimony publicly for the first time. As I shared from a stage the thing that I was most scared of revealing, God showed
us the beauty of being real, and our church responded with an amazing display of love, acceptance and support. Stonegate ultimately hired me, a lawyer and former homosexual, to be its Senior Associate Pastor. Stonegate became the church Stephanie and I had dreamt of – a church that lived out its belief that Jesus Christ can change a life. I never really figured out why I struggled with homosexuality. But I know from His Word that he allows struggles in our lives so that his power might be displayed in us and so that He will receive glory. I can think of no better life than to be a vessel for God’s glory and power. It is not about coming to grips with who I am. It is about coming to grips with who HE is. That is a life worth living.

We would not trade the struggles we went through for anything. Our ‘real’ marriage is so much better than the marriage we dreamt of for ourselves. God has blessed our family with three beautiful children and has grown in Stephanie and me a pure and beautiful love for each other and for the Lord. We know we have not arrived, but we also know that the end of the journey will be beyond our imaginations.

Mike and Stephanie Goeke were married in September of 1994. Their marriage was rocked when Mike walked out in November of 1996 to pursue a life built around his long-time struggle with homosexuality. After six months of separation, they reconciled and began the rebuilding of their individual lives and their marriage. In 1999, they formed Cross Power Ministries. In 2001, Mike left the practice of law to go on staff at Stonegate Fellowship in Midland, Texas, as Executive Pastor. In 2005, Mike took the position of Executive Vice President and Church Liaison for Exodus International in Orlando, Florida. They moved back to Midland in December of 2006, and Mike is currently a pastor in the counseling department of Stonegate Fellowship, where part of his duties include running and growing CPM. Mike and Stephanie have three young children, Margaret, Frances and Peter.