I lay on the hospital bed, feeling empty and afraid. My health over the previous thirteen months had drastically declined. From the first venereal disease in January 1982 to my admission now (February 1983) with thrush, I'd had 12 frightening symptoms. In my mind these events occurring within two years after I had become sexually active pointed in one direction - AIDS.
That evening while lying on my bed, I gently rubbed the cross that hung around my neck. "Jesus," I prayed, "what have I done? I sought You out at age 14 and again at 18, but neither time did I receive the healing to be free of homosexuality. Why, Lord?"
No answer came. But a vision did. Startled, I watched two scenes playing simultaneously on screens suspended in midair. The screen on the left showed me in a hospital room as a homosexual being treated for AIDS. The screen on the right showed the outline of the Lord's head and shoulders with a great light shining from behind Him. Then the Spirit of the Lord said, "I want to heal your whole person, not just your body. Choose." I chose the screen showing the Lord. The room filled with the presence of God. I was speechless.
Early the next morning, a nurse came in and took one final blood test before a scheduled bone marrow biopsy. A few hours went by. Then my doctor came into my room. Perplexed, he told me that this last blood test had revealed an increase in white blood cells. As a result, he was postponing the biopsy. After another five days, I was released. By my follow-up visit one week later, I had returned to work.
When I chose life during that vision in the hospital, God healed me of my physical illness. Yet I did not fully know I had embarked on a road that eventually would lead me to forsake homosexuality.
When I first came to Christ at age 14, I was overcome with joy. Sometime during that year, I came across the word homosexual in a magazine. Now I had a name for the sexual feelings surging within me.
In the fall of 1977, I entered the University of Wisconsin at Milwaukee. One of my professors was openly homosexual and also very affirming of my acting talents.
Then, at age 21, I moved to New York City after passing the acting audition for admittance to a theater program. I came fully "out of the closet" and began openly to acknowledge myself as "gay." I experienced a sense of freedom I had never known.
And I found that my gay professor from the University of Wisconsin had also moved to New York City. My friendship with him and his lover grew, and they become my mentors. Oddly enough, I received from them the nurturing and affirmation I had always needed from my father.
Then I moved to Boston and began socializing regularly at gay bars. Sexual activity and drug and alcohol use, which a few years earlier I would never have considered, became part of my life.
One autumn evening, I walked with a lesbian friend through the tree-lined streets of Cambridge. As we approached a church, we heard a black gospel choir belting out a song about the blood of Jesus. The music was mesmerizing; we stopped and listened. The presence of Jesus filled that little church. I was near tears. It had been many years since I had felt God's presence.
By October of 1982, the harsh realities of the gay lifestyle were becoming apparent to me. My initial sense of relief at coming out of the closet had worn away. During this time, thoughts of my Christian past filled me with pain.
I felt increasingly hopeless and depressed. I still believed that Jesus was God, and felt troubled with guilt for not living according to Christian standards.
One night while coming home from a gay bar, I cried out to God. "I would be better off if You just left me alone." Then a verse from the Bible popped into my head: "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you" (Heb. 13:5).
Stubbornly I said to God, "I'm leaving You in this stairwell" and entered the hallway leading to my apartment. Suddenly my eyes were opened to see hundreds of demons charging toward me. Terrified, I raced back to the stairwell and said, "I didn't mean it, Lord. I don't want to leave You; suffering with You is better than the alternatives to suffering without You."
I peeked back into the hallway. Seeing nothing, I cautiously walked to my apartment and locked the door behind me, went to bed, and tried to forget what had happened.
Another night I was in a gay bar, sipping a drink. Suddenly I heard a voice say, "You will help Me deliver these people." I quickly looked around, but nobody was behind me. Promptly, I ordered another vodka martini. I left the main bar and walked across the crowded dance floor, sitting next to a large speaker. With my ears pounding with music, I heard the voice again, even more clear: "You WILL HELP ME DELIVER THESE PEOPLE." I knew this was the voice of God, and fear gripped my heart.
In the coming months, God continued patiently arranging the circumstances of my life to show me the consequences of my lifestyle. As each symptom of AIDS appeared, my fear and hopelessness increased. Then came the vision in Boston City Hospital, when I took hold of His hand and began walking out of darkness into His incredible light.
After my release from hospital, I telephoned my sister Annelyse and told her about my physical healing. She was in the midst of taking an adult class at her church taught by Leanne Payne, and mailed me a copy of Leanne's book, The Broken Image. I resisted believing the healings documented in the book, still not ready to leave homosexuality.
Then I moved to Ohio for a teaching job. I had little opportunity to meet other gay people and became lonely and depressed. I began to realize that God was asking me to choose between Himself and homosexuality. For the first time, I seriously considered the possibility that homosexuality could be reversed through faith in Jesus Christ.
As winter break approached, my sister called me and invited me to a Leanne Payne class. Afterward, I could no longer deny God. If He wanted to change my homosexual orientation, I was willing to let Him. I agreed to do whatever He asked, and I was honest before God.
Then I visited a church near home. When the preacher gave the altar call for anyone who needed to be reconciled to God, I went forward. An associate pastor came to my side and whispered, "Do you know that your name is written in the Lamb's Book of Life?"
My body was trembling. "No, I've committed too many sins."
"That doesn't matter; just repent of those sins."
With tears of sorrow pouring from my eyes, I repented of all my sins, including homosexuality. Then the elders prayed for me to be filled with God's presence. Like a great rush of wind from Heaven, the Holy Spirit descended into the depth of my being. All the fears and dread lodged in my gut left, and tears of joy flowed from my eyes. God's great healing work in me had begun.
As long as I considered healing a possibility, I agreed before God not to engage in homosexual activity. After repenting of lust, I threw away every piece of pornography I owned. And in the midst of temptation, I learned to ask myself, What is it about this man that I am trying to take? What part of my masculinity does he symbolize that I am not in touch with?
One Friday, classes were canceled. It would be two full days before Sunday morning when I could fellowship with other Christians. I felt lonely, and knew that if I left my apartment, I would surely have a sexual fall.
That morning during my devotions, I heard God say, "I love you, Mario." I knew if I could make it until Sunday morning without falling, my body would never again be devoured with homosexual temptation like this. I placed a band-aid plastic strip over the inside of my front door and the molding around it. Then I promised God I would not break that seal until Sunday morning.
For the next two days, temptation and anxiety raged. But I kept my vow. With Christ, I faced the loneliness, anxiety, sexual temptation and abandonment I never before could face. It was a turning point. The next week I came into a powerful new realization of Christ living in me. It's a reality that continues to impact my life every day.
Additional Information:
Adapted from the book Setting Love in Order by Mario Bergner.
Copyright @ 1995 by Mario Bergner.
This excellent book was released in January 1995 by Baker Book House Company, PO Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516. Used by permission.
Mario is a featured speaker at the 2002 Exodus conference. |
