by the Rev. David Kyle Foster

Why would a nine-year old boy want to kill himself? Only in the past few years have I been able to piece together an answer.  I was one of those "sensitive" kids and the yelling and fighting in my home affected me deeply. Many nights I'd hide on the floor behind the couch in an empty room of the house where no one could find me. Or I'd spend the day at the movies watching the same film again and again, becoming part of the characters' lives--anything to forget the pain of not being loved.  One of the great traumas of my childhood was a daily beating by the neighborhood bully. One day I decided to try and make him laugh by doing a strip tease so that he wouldn't hit me. It worked! That was when I discovered that I could get people to like me by taking off my clothes, a lesson that would eventually lead me into prostitution. 
My father was a fearful disciplinarian. One day as he was whipping me with his belt, I vowed my hatred of him and declared in my heart that he was not my father. Self-hatred became the natural fruit of that decision, as well as an inability to find my own masculine identity. 

By this time, masturbation had become obsessive. I became introspective and self-focused, spewing self-hatred into the mirror every day after school. Soon I had made the first of several suicide attempts, not knowing how else to escape the inner pain and turmoil. 

From my earliest years, an adult female friend of the family teased me incessantly about girls, and so I grew up with a deep internal fear that a mature woman would humiliate me. When I became sexually active in my late teens, it simply became far less stressful to have sex with males. Besides, most of the ones who came after me were older men who didn't expect reciprocation on my part. Deep inside, I was looking for a father figure, so I was eager for their attention. 

My father was a pastor, but I grew up hating God. Not having His loving character modeled in my home no doubt contributed to my hostility toward the church. And just as I hated my earthly father, I felt a similar hatred toward God my Heavenly Father. 

By my late teens, I was reckless and uncaring, indulging in a drug habit that could have easily killed me. At some unconscious level, I had concluded that I was too far gone to ever be rescued and so I set out to relive Errol Flynn's life, as chronicled in his book, My Wicked, Wicked Ways. Deciding to let fate take me where it might, I moved to Hollywood. 

To everyone's amazement, within a short time I was starring in movies. My internal cauldron of fury gave me an ability to communicate deep emotion on the screen. Before I knew it, I had two of the best agents in town, a slew of national commercials, and several starring roles. 

But no one suspected my double life. By day, I was David Kyle, the new rising star, vying for lead roles with all the young movie stars of the day. By night, I was "Steve," a hustler on the streets of Hollywood, subconsciously trying to destroy my success because of deep feelings of unworthiness. 

Often I would get into cars, knowing the occupants were going to try and take my life. I just hoped that they would get it over with quickly. Each time, the Lord rescued me and my heart was moved by a sense of God's mercy and protection. 

By the time I was 29, I was sick of the drugs, alcohol and prostitution. I attempted to find meaning by following Guru Maharaj Ji, the self-proclaimed "perfect master of the universe." On one occasion, I actually attained nirvana or god-consciousness, feeling "one" with God and the universe. On other occasions, I saw the guru perform supernatural miracles, and I naively assumed that only God could do that. 

In the meantime, my mother and father had become true Christians and had all their friends praying for me. Then, as I began to have doubts about my guru god, I began praying to the God who created the universe-- who had a Son named Jesus. 

"Please keep me from being deceived if I am following a false prophet," I prayed. Suddenly I felt an incredibly powerful river of "living water" (John 4:14) surge into my being. It felt like a raging waterfall of liquid love, and it seemed like I would die from its intensity. When I cried, "Stop!" it ceased and I fell down weeping on the floor. God exists, I thought, and He loves me! 

Soon afterward, I felt compelled to visit the land of Israel, seeking the truth about Jesus Christ. Inside a church next to the Garden of Gethsemane, I prayed for an answer to my burning question: "If both God and Satan can do miracles, how am I supposed to know who is really from God?" 

I felt God speak directly into my hungry, searching heart: "Who proved His love for You?" Scenes from the scourging and crucifixion of Jesus started flashing through my mind and I realized the truth: God loved me so much that He had sent His Son to die on a cross for me. 

God began a series of miracles in my life. Within six weeks, I was attending Trinity Evangelical Divinity School near Chicago, my tuition fully paid by a Christian businessman. I graduated with a Master of Divinity degree in 1983. During the next decade, I worked for several major Christian ministries before God called me into full-time work as director of Mastering Life Ministries, which equips the body of Christ to minister to sexually-broken people. 

God has worked faithfully over the years to bring healing from my past sexual addiction. Immediately after my salvation, I went to a pastor and said, "I've been sleeping with two or three people every night for almost ten years. I know you're going to ask me to stop, but I can't." 

"I'm not going to ask you to stop," he replied, and I recall thinking, What's the matter with you? You're a preacher. You're supposed to tell me to stop! But he was trying to help me understand a profound truth: God was going to do it for me. He was going to live His righteousness through me. All I had to do was pursue an intimate relationship with Him and allow Him to take complete control of my life. 

With childlike faith, I believed, and God indeed began living His righteousness through me. Since that day, He has kept me from falling back into sexual immorality. 

Of course, I still have to deal with sexual temptations that arise. I remember being in Orlando one time to record our "Sexual Healing Video Course." The church put me up in a hotel located right in the middle of strip clubs and porn stores. 

When I entered my hotel room, there were two hardcore porn magazines lying next to my bed. As I began to look at one, the Holy Spirit said to me, "Satan is trying to take you out!" 

"Thank you, God," I breathed. A sudden delight overtook me as I threw the magazines into the trashcan and smashed them to the bottom with my foot. As I stepped on them, the Holy Spirit proclaimed as clear as a bell in my heart, "I will crush him under My feet!" (see Romans 16:20). 

During the past 20 years of healing, God has transformed my heart of rebellion into one of love and grace. And He has healed those areas of sin and weakness that led me into bondage in the first place. 

God has taken away the deep hatred that I had for my father. One day He asked me to forgive my dad. I can't, I thought. The hurts run too deep. Then I added, But if You will enable me, I will. 

Then the Lord said to me, "Take the forgiveness from Me and give it to your father." In the Spirit, I reached up, took forgiveness from Jesus' hand and turned to my father, saying, "Dad, with the ability that Jesus has to forgive you, I forgive you." Instantly I felt a release from the hatred and bitterness. It has never returned. 

God desires to make trophies of His love and grace from those He rescues. In a way that confounds the world, He places some of us into ministry in the exact same area where we have fallen the lowest. By replacing our greatest weakness with His strength, He silences the mouth of those who do not acknowledge Him. 

Additional Information:
Copyright 1999 David Kyle Foster (Mastering Life, PO Box 351149, Jacksonville FL 32235; phone 904/220-7474; Internet: www.MasteringLife.org).