by Michael Newman

As the first male grandchild for my doting paternal grandmother, I was born into a world of great expectations. My grandmother had divorced early in life and raised two sons as a single mother. Now she could do things for her grandson--me--that she had been unable to do for her own sons. I always loved going to her house, where I played with my own special toys. 

When I was three, however, my world changed drastically. We moved from the Midwest to the South for better job opportunities for my father. Grandmother was far away and soon afterward my baby sister was born. 

My mother spent much time looking after the needs of a demanding newborn and my father worked long hours at the local factory, so I learned to entertain myself. I had an active imagination and amused myself by retreating into a fantasy world. 

From my limited perspective, I envied all the attention that girls received. I did not identify with boys' rough-and-tumble sports, so always felt alienated from male playmates. 

Taunts and teases began in kindergarten. I hated being called "sissy," but felt helpless to change the perceptions of other boys. So I put more effort into being the perfect child by getting top grades in school. 

My parents were nominal churchgoers, although I went to Sunday School. Then, at age 13, I went with a friend to a special youth week and accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior. My faith had become personal. 

I continued to feel uncomfortable around other guys, and began to admire them from afar for their looks and personalities. I heard about homosexuality, but I thought, That's not me. I'm a good Christian boy! I was not interested in having sex with other males, although I had already experienced same-sex adolescent "crushes" and was painfully aware of my attraction to other male bodies. 

Outwardly, things seemed tranquil during the rest of my teen years. I did well academically, my best friend filled the role of being my "girlfriend," and I made preparations to enter college. 

After one year of college, I persuaded my parents to let me attend a large university in another state. During my first year away from home, I had my first homosexual experience. My friend, Mikel, had just entered into homosexual activities himself. While we were out drinking, he revealed that he was gay and that he knew I was, too. After all those years of painful labeling, I felt someone understood me, but did not condemn me. 

Mikel and I began a tempestuous six-month sexual relationship in which I was constantly dealing with guilt because of my Christian beliefs. 

Then God brought a godly man into my life. Sam was a strong Christian who befriended me, got me involved in student Bible studies, and later became my roommate. I admired Sam, but I was afraid to tell him of my struggles. After four months as roommates, I dared to share my secret--and discovered that God had already prepared his heart. He sat down with me and we prayed together about the whole situation. 

"Lord," Sam said, "even if Mike is struggling with homosexuality, I know that he does have a relationship with You, and it is not by accident that we met. I don't understand homosexuality, but I trust You to help him. In the meantime, I will just be his friend." 

I was overwhelmed by Sam's acceptance and his openness for God to use him as my friend. Although I still struggled with same-sex attractions and even fell into some sexual encounters, he never preached at me and was a wonderful Christian brother. 

After finishing my undergraduate studies, I moved to a graduate school in the southwestern USA and rededicated my life to the Lord. I sought out Christian fellowship through university ministries and finally confessed my past struggles to a new Christian friend. Wally found a Christian psychologist for me to talk with. I needed to know more about God's promises for me, and what He had actually done for me on the Cross. I had to deal with a lot of shame and guilt. Through counseling, I started to grow in my faith through being more firmly rooted in God's Word. 

After obtaining my master's degree in Romance Languages (Spanish and French), I returned home. But I sorely missed the Christian fellowship that I had enjoyed during college, and my homosexual thoughts and feelings re-emerged. 

I moved to Houston in search of a job. I sought out friendships in a large church and threw myself into various activities to escape my inner loneliness. Then I met a man who, after seven years of marriage, had decided to pursue a gay lifestyle. I befriended him with good intentions, but soon became entrapped: first, emotionally, and then sexually. 

I was devastated to find myself ensnared again in a gay relationship, but felt powerless to escape. As I agonized over the situation, I asked God why I had fallen again into homosexuality. The quiet voice of the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart: I will have no other idols before Me. 

God was showing me that my Christianity had largely been external. My performance orientation and deep need for approval from people had finally been unmasked! All my life, I had struggled to perform, to be the best, to make my family proud. So this was the bigger issue that had hidden behind my homosexual struggles. 

I heard about Exodus International through a local ministry, and attended my first Exodus conference in 1984. What an overwhelming experience to be among hundreds of men and women who were also overcoming homosexuality! 

A class on emotional dependency hit me right between the eyes. Elizabeth Moberly’s theory of thwarted same-sex affirmation needs as an underlying "root" of homosexuality was another breakthrough for me. Previously, I had been ashamed of my emotional neediness, so I had tried to hide it. What a release to know that God knew my real needs for male affirmation, and there were healthy ways to have them met! 

Inner healing and deliverance were foreign ideas to me; I felt they were just emotional experiences with no spiritual depth. God began breaking down my misconceptions and prejudices, but it was a slow process. 

With high hopes and great vision for Houston to have a ministry for those struggling with homosexuality, three of us brainstormed ideas, then joined forces to establish Christian Coalition for Reconciliation (CCR) in 1985. We began receiving phone calls and I began counseling men seeking help. 

I met people seeking freedom from a wide variety of problems, including sexual abuse, alcohol and drug addiction, and obsessive/compulsive disorders. 

An increasing number of men came to us who were HIV-positive. Some clients made progress, some stagnated, some wavered and eventually left the ministry. 

My Messiah complex eroded as I saw more of my own human and spiritual limitations. I had to trust God in even greater ways as ministry challenges drew me closer to Him for answers. I was compelled to re-examine my own relationship with Christ for a deeper understanding of His provision for healing on all levels: emotional, physical, sexual and spiritual. 

The annual Exodus conferences helped me learn and grow. I also took advantage of other Christian seminars and courses to amplify my knowledge. 

I was further stretched personally when I became full-time director of CCR in 1987. The next year, I joined a charismatic Baptist church. Gradually I was opened up to new discoveries about my relationship with God. 

A major turning point occurred during a time of worship at the 1990 Exodus conference. I had a mental image of myself as a three-year-old, afraid of the outstretched arms of a male figure kneeling in front of me. The words, "Daddy, I'm scared," flashed into my head as pain stabbed my heart. 

I exploded into loud sobbing as several people prayed over me. I saw that, as the perfectionist who had accepted Christ at age 13, I had never fully allowed myself to feel some perceived emotional hurts of childhood. But in those moments, I felt flooded by the love of God my Father. When I returned home, I sought out a Christian counselor to explore these issues in more depth. 

Now, as I minister to others, I am reminded that the journey out of homosexuality is an ongoing process. It's easy to despair when an old struggle, supposedly gone forever, rears its ugly head again. But I've learned that this happens so the Holy Spirit can do a deeper work in that area of our lives. 

I don't have to live under the burden of others' "great expectations." I'm at peace as God works in my life daily to make me more like Him. 

Additional Information:
Michael Newman is director of Christian Coalition for Reconciliation, an Exodus ministry in Houston, Texas. Copyright 1999 Michael Newman (PO Box 420437, Houston, TX 77242-0437).