by Richard Oostrum

When my homosexual feelings started surfacing during adolescence I asked God the question: "What's going on here? I don't want this, so if You can change me, please do it." I didn't want to be different from everybody else. I had pushed down my feelings for quite a while, but when I got into my first homosexual relationship, I "came out of the closet." 

My friends and family accepted it without any problems. I was very active in swimming competitions, played water polo, and was even a coach for a group of young men between 16 and 20 years old. Guys this age typically have pretty outspoken opinions, but even with these guys I encountered little resistance, prejudice or problems. Everything seemed to be going smoothly. Because it all seemed to happen without a battle, I assumed that God must have meant it that way for me. Everyone was telling me, "You've been born this way, and you'll always be this way"; I was at peace with this. 

I had many friends and acquaintances in the gay world and was very active in establishing the gay swimming competitions and clubs in the Netherlands. I also competed in the Gay Games in New York. It was a fantastic time with so many like-minded people being together. 

In those days, I was in a relationship with a guy from Amsterdam. After going together for a month, we found out that he was HIV positive, and not long afterward, we discovered he had AIDS. Three years later, David died. That was a very dark time, but I received much support from friends and family. 

NO HOLDS BARRED
After David died, I went wild and plunged into the gay night life. I moved to Amsterdam, especially because I knew that the Gay Games were going to be held there. I developed a large circle of friends and was thoroughly immersed in the night life.

After living like this for about six months, something began to feel like it was eating away at me inside. I realized that this kind of lifestyle was not healthy for me; I literally felt as if there was a rope attached to me. A small voice inside me said that God also was not happy with my lifestyle. It became clearer and clearer to me; I knew it was God’s voice. I spoke about this with a former lover, and he was actually in the same situation. I bought a Bible and started to read it, but I didn't understand much. I knew if I wanted to find out more, I was going to have to go to church. 

I'd only been in a church twice before in my entire life – once for a wedding and once for a funeral -- so this was a big step. On television I watched a local Church of Christ service and decided that I would try that one. I thought church would be old-fashioned and boring, but it wasn't. The people were truly joyful, and there was such a relaxed atmosphere. 

I didn't really feel comfortable, since everything was so new to me, but I decided I would stay for a cup of coffee after the meeting before going home. While I was drinking my coffee, a lady approached me and asked where I was from and what I did. Without any shame or embarrassment at all, I told her everything. She responded very positively to me and then asked what I'd thought about the service and whether I knew that if I asked Jesus into my life He would come in. She shared the Gospel with me and then asked "would you like to do that?" I said "yes" and then we prayed the sinners prayer together. From that very moment, peace came into my life. The intense night life that I'd been engulfed in was set aside. No one told me, “you can't go to bars” or “you can't do this or that.” I was at peace within and it felt great!

The next Sunday I went to the same church again and that same lady asked how my week had been. I told her that everything was just fine; I was peaceful and had felt no need to pursue any homosexual activities. She replied that Jesus had come into my life and that the Holy Spirit was living in my heart. That sounded very abstract to me, but I had indeed noticed that there had been a big change inside of me. She also told me that the Bible addressed the kind of lifestyle I'd been living, and she asked me what I thought about that. I responded, "I agree with the Bible." And when I spoke that out, I thought, "What am I saying now?" I was not an extreme gay rights activist or anything, but I had obviously been living the life and was interested in society's acceptance of “my own kind". But I was convinced that I didn't want this lifestyle anymore, and furthermore God didn't want this for me either. He had something else in mind for my life. She advised me to contact the EHAH (the Dutch "Exodus" organization). I called them and began attending meetings there two weeks later.

ON A CLOUD OF LOVE
It couldn't have been any clearer for me: homosexuality and Jesus do not go hand in hand. However, the part I was surrendering was almost 90% of my life: sports, social life, vacations, even the shops where I bought my clothes. I was up to my neck in the gay subculture and suddenly that was all put on the sidelines. I thought later, I would have been a great case study for psychologists. I probably should have collapsed with a total identity crisis or something but actually nothing like that even came close. I was experiencing such an intense love from God that far outweighed any lack. I felt literally engulfed in a cloud of love.

Through my regular conversations with one of the EHAH staff, I received revelation and conviction over what had been happening in my life. He helped me to redirect my life to my new position in Christ. I spoke with him about my homosexual feelings and learned what the Bible said about homosexuality. I never felt pressured by attitudes like "poor little ex-gay turned Christian boy, we'll fix you up with a nice little wife who will see you through the rest of your life". For me it was clear that I was in a process. They never gave me the impression that, once I went through all the counseling, I'd never have to wrestle with homosexual feelings again.

When I shared my testimony with my parents they nearly fell off their chairs from the shock. They absolutely had no idea what to make of it all. I thought, "Hey, wait a minute. When I told them about my homosexuality, there was no problem. But now that I am choosing God’s way, everyone is getting upset". They kept telling me, "You were born that way, and we never had a problem with that."

I guess I understood their response, because if anyone had told me the same thing a year before, I would have responded the same way. But I knew then like I know now that faith and homosexuality do not mix, even though I didn't have much understanding yet from God's Word. I also understood the reactions from those in the gay life. "You'll be back," they kept saying to me. There were also those who thought that I'd contracted AIDS or that perhaps I was having a delayed reaction because of the death of my partner. They responded, "Sure, you need a crutch somehow, especially after losing David."

Just before the Gay Games in Amsterdam I remember telling God, "When the games come here I don't want to be around; I don't need that kind of confrontation." I had competed all over the world and had built up quite a network of contacts and friends from many countries, people that planned to come and visit me when they came to my city. It was also during this time that I was having my first real struggles, and I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to stand up to the temptations. 

One day, I just fell on my knees and prayed for peace once again. Forty-five minutes later the phone rang, and someone from EHAH asked if I was interested in participating in an outreach with Youth With A Mission during the games. I burst out laughing, thinking, "Right, I ask God not to use me, and within an hour I receive my first mission!" That's how I got in touch with YWAM for the first time.

Sure enough, I was involved in that outreach during the Gay Games, even going to the swimming competitions. God's protection was like a cocoon around me. I experienced absolutely no homosexual temptation even though I was very new in my faith. I was able to tell my closest friends about Jesus, and that proved to be an amazing experience.

ITCHING TO GET GOING
My life after conversion was one long stream of changes. It seemed like God grabbed hold of my hand and took me on the ride of my life, and I'm still hanging on! It is an exciting life and I know Who the Author is, the One who can open any door and provide all I need. What a comfort!

About a year and a half ago, I left my job, because I wanted to be available for God full-time. When I shared my decision at work, there was a positive response, except I heard that horrible cliche: "Well, whatever makes you happy; it's your life!"

I began working with Youth With A Mission full-time in Amsterdam after doing my Discipleship Training School (DTS) at YWAM-Heidebeek in Holland. When I was on my DTS outreach in Uganda, to complete the practical phase of my basic training, I asked God what was next. Just after the DTS I was accepted to a two year program with the University of the Nations (YWAM) that was starting up in Amsterdam. It is a course focused on reaching the lost in urban centers.

I desire to return to the gay world in the heart of Amsterdam and to pioneer a new work of ministry there. But we have a lot of preparations to make: in prayer, for financial support, for a team of committed people. We will also need an office space. In the beginning, it will be important to begin building friendships. It may also be that we can co-work together with the EHAH in order to coordinate our efforts and focus our energies to create a proper strategy.

It is amazing to me that there is no such work existing already in such a gay center like Amsterdam. Of course, I understand that there will be difficulties starting up this work, and it will take patience. It means preaching the Word of God to homosexuals who may not know much of anything about the Bible. But I believe people know inwardly that homosexuality is not permitted by God. I'm excited to begin. 

When I had just been converted, I was so enthusiastic that I wanted to convert the entire world, including all of those in the gay scene. In all my enthusiasm I was pretty insensitive and downright rude at times, because I wasn't embarrassed at all to “tell it like it is.” I've had to ask forgiveness from some people whom I have hurt. I said things I shouldn't have, and now I'm starting over again. I'm trying to be a friend to these people -- and friendship is just sharing things that you're experiencing. For me, this is my mission, and friendship is the path I walk. I'm not just preaching all the time; I'm sharing my life, laughing with my friends and having good discussions. My friendships are becoming better and deeper. Believe it or not, my very first partner from 1985 was also the first person who started sponsoring me in missions. I thought, "God, you must be blessing this!" Slowly but surely the doors are opening to return to the gay world, and not with a big Bible in my hand and a message of "Hey guys, turn or burn!"

I'm starting to see the world more and more through Jesus' eyes. I know what Jesus wants to do and can do with a broken heart and a broken life; He wants to bring healing. I'm seeing this more and more, and I need to know it more and more each day, otherwise I couldn't work in this world.

TEMPTATIONS
Of course, there are still temptations -- physical and sexual needs that get stirred up. I'm in the process of restoration. The old homosexual feelings sometimes surface. That's difficult, but it does make me wake up to seek the Lord again and again and to know afresh that I am a new creation, and I belong to Christ.

Before I was converted I was very active sexually, almost to the point of addiction. When you go from one hundred percent to zero, of course, you would expect that those needs still seek satisfaction. But because I was receiving so much love in that initial time, I didn't even feel those needs. I just believed that it would all somehow be sorted out. My heterosexual feelings are clearly developing, but I'm not focusing on them. 

What I do miss at times is the camaraderie I had in the gay life, especially what I knew from the swimming competitions around the world and the parties connected with them. There would be a weekend here or there, and I had a lot of fun in the night life. I also had a very good friend; we were like brothers to each other. After I became a Christian that relationship was severed. I also miss the physical warmth and affection. I don't particularly miss the sexual experiences with men, but I do occasionally miss a good hug. And usually the Lord answers this need Himself to the point that I almost literally feel His arm around me, quieting me with His love. That's the wonderful thing about my relationship with Jesus; He knows exactly what's going on inside of me and He knows how to provide all I need.

I also have friends in the gay life who want to combine faith with their lifestyle. I mean, they attend church but they also have their lover. Somehow they feel that this is viable. But for me, I've never had a doubt about it; I've never wondered if God would be pleased if I kept that lifestyle. I know God's position on the matter. 

Additional Information:
To locate Exodus ministries in Europe: www.ExodusEurope.org.

To contact EHAH: Phone: +31 20 625 67 97or Email: ehah@solcon.nl