I guess I could say that I grew up in a Christian home; at least we all went to church every Sunday. As far as material needs are concerned, all of our needs were met, and so I had everything I wanted in that area of life. I also had a generous allowance, so was able to go to movies, could eat candy, soft drinks; pretty much do as I pleased, so between my father's provision and my older sisters' generosity, I never lacked for anything. I have no memory of anything bad which might have happened: oh yes, I do remember being hospitalized when I was an eight year old.
I remember my Father working very hard. Six days of the week from dawn until late at night he was away from us; so I saw him at mealtimes, occasionally, and on Sunday when we all went to church. I never thought much about it at the time. It was much later in my life when I realized how much I missed him. His absence in my life had a very profound influence in my developing attractions to men. I found this out much later, when a man from America made me realize how much I needed to forgive My Dad for not being there at the time I needed him most. He was one of many Christian men who would come into my life to minister to me and help me heal.
Anyway, back to my childhood. I liked school pretty much, and life seemed to be O.K. until one day my Mother found out that my Dad had a girlfriend! As a result, he kicked my mom and me out of the house. That was a real shock to our family, and was devastating to my Mother.
When I was seventeen, an apprenticeship was arranged for me with an electrician. At that same time, I went to live in a boarding house. I began to date a little, and when I was twenty-three, I met a young lady who accepted my marriage proposal and we settled into our own house, and started a family. We had three children, none of whom survived. That was another terrible devastation in my life. I do not know how I got through those experiences without falling apart completely.
That all changed when, at age sixty-four, my Father passed away. I did fall apart then, and was finally able to weep, not only for him, but for the three children who perished.
Around that time, or shortly afterward, I became the boss of an electrical workshop, and had four men under my supervision. I am not really clear as to how or why my same-sex attractions surfaced at that time, but they did. As I was the boss, I was able to get away during the workdays, and I began to make sexual contact with other men. I was reluctant and fearful at first, but soon was a willing participant in homosexual activities. All this was happening while I was still attending church and was, in fact, in a leadership position!
At home, by then, we had two children: a boy and a girl. They were both beautiful children and seemed to be growing up healthy. I was proud of them. One day, I made the decision that I could not keep my homosexual activity a secret from my wife any longer. So I found the courage and talked to her about it. Her reaction was one of shock and one of great fear of my doing what I was doing. For some reason, I began even to introduce some my sexual partners to her. It did not take her long to get to the point where she was angry enough to ask me to leave. I decided to look for work elsewhere also. We had been married only five years when that all happened. We did try many times to patch things up and to make the marriage work. I tried everything I could: I tried several counselors and even a sex therapist. But after eight years and many trials and separations, we gave up on the marriage. I was able, however, to spend time with the children, every two weeks or so, when they would travel either by train or by bus to stay weekends with me.
I was still going to church at that time, but ended up sitting in the back pew and just weeping and calling out to God, "Why me? Why do I have to suffer so much?" I was at the end of my rope, and in great pain and anguish. I seemed unable to stop my tears. One Sunday, after the children left to go home, I realized that I could not go on living the way I was living, and that something had to change. I was killing myself slowly. Worse than that, I knew that my children were suffering because of me. Returning to my flat, I threw myself on the floor and declared to God that I would stop all homosexual activity. I did not know how to do this, or even if it was possible to stop or to change! Perhaps it was because I finally gave up and came to myself that I was able, for the first time, to really feel the presence of the Lord in that room. I know He was ministering His love to me strongly because, when I finally was able to get up, I felt I had been washed from inside out.
Every day, when I returned home, I felt that God was there waiting for me. During that time, there was nothing that I did. It was not my doing at all. He was just there and I only had to enjoy His presence with me. I told the Lord that whether or not He ever gave my wife back to me, I would serve Him the rest of my life.
One weekend during that time some friends invited me to go with them to a Christian camp. I said I would go; and when I walked into the meeting hall, there was my wife, Heather and my children. She walked up to me and told me that God had said to her, "Let your husband be your husband, and he will be a husband indeed." We began to talk and talk and I shared with her what God was doing in my heart. Since that Sunday in the flat, on the floor, I have never returned to homosexuality.
Over a period of from three to four years, God lead me to a number of good Christian men who help me to address the roots of my homosexual attractions. I discovered that I needed to forgive not only my Father for never being there for me, but also my Mother and my sisters for, in a way, robbing me of my sense of true masculinity. I also had to repent of looking at pornography and asked God to cleanse my mind and my imagination from all the sexual images I had seen.
In those days, New Zealand had no Exodus outreach. I know there was help in America for homosexual strugglers, but we did not have the resources to send me there for the help I needed there. God was able to bring me the healing I needed in spite of it all.
It has been some twenty years since the beginning of my healing. After the first twelve years, my wife and I became co-Directors of the Exodus Ministries in New Zealand. We have worked with over five hundred men and women God has sent us to deal with the roots of their problems. We have seen many healed of their sexual brokenness, and many couples and families restored. To this day, we keep in contact with many who have been transformed by the healing power of the Lord. Thanks to God, I have discovered that change is really possible with determined commitment, good counsel based in the Word of God, and the power of the Holy Spirit working in our lives. I praise him daily and will for the rest of my life for the miracles He has done.
Additional Information:
Harry and Heather were co-directors of Exodus Ministries, Auckland, New Zealand, for seven years.
To contact Exodus Auckland: P.O.Box 175, Takanini, Auckland, New Zealand
Phone: 6492680346 E-mail: exodusnz@hotmail.com
|
