To begin, here is a proposed foundation for how Christians are to view others:
Every person
regardless of actions, age, beliefs, citizenship, education, gender, health, mental ability, occupation, physical ability or appearance, political affiliation, power, race, religion, sexual orientation, socio-economic class, usefulness to society, vocation, wealth, or anything else
is of infinite worth and value
because:
1. God created us in His image (blessed us, said "very good");
2. we continue to be His image -- the effects of the fall and our sinfulness cannot completely wipe this out;
3. God loves us unconditionally without requiring us to change first, whether or not we are in relationship with Him (Romans 5:8);
4. God's love goes to the "extreme" of giving His only Son (and thus, Himself) for us, so that we can return to relationship with Him;
5. God calls us His children.
and therefore,
we who follow and serve this God strive in every way to treat others in accordance with the infinite worth and value they have, taking the Lord Jesus Christ and His teachings as our ultimate model.
Everyone deserves to be treated with respect
Everyone has great worth and deserves to be treated with respect. It does not matter if you like certain people or dislike them, know them well or just a little bit, agree or disagree with their beliefs and actions. Christians need to follow the model of Jesus, who cared for those who were outcasts, spent time with those who were marginalized by society, and was called "a friend of sinners."
In practical terms, treating someone with respect means the following:
* affirming others' good qualities.
* not making fun of other people or calling them names; not joining in when others make fun of someone else (this is difficult not to do, but important).
* not telling gay jokes.
* allowing other people to have different beliefs and make different choices, rather than insisting that they believe and choose the things we do.
* not talking about others behind their backs, telling lies about them, or telling their secrets.
* listening carefully and doing one's best to understand what another person is saying. When you don't understand something, ask for an explanation. For example, "I don't think I followed that. Could you explain it again?" (rather than "What is that supposed to mean?! That doesn't make any sense at all!")
* treating everyone fairly.
Don't focus on a person's sexuality
First and foremost, your friend is a person, a human being with feelings, intelligence, hopes and fears, abilities, strengths and weaknesses, just like you. And, more importantly, your friend was created by God and is dearly loved by Him. The way you interact with your friend should reflect that love in all its grace and mercy. Don't let what you now know about his or her sexuality crowd out the many other things you know about your friend. See your friend as God sees him or her. You still have all the good things that your relationship had before you found out about this. Now you know something else, something more personal and perhaps more difficult to share. This is often a sign that you are trusted as a friend, and you need to honor that trust by respecting this confidence.
Secondly, where your friend is at with God is far more important than sexual orientation. We do not get into heaven by being straight; we get into heaven by saying yes to the God who gives His life for us. If this person is not a Christian, do not let sexual orientation distract you from his or her spiritual situation. At the same time, respecting others means that we do not push our faith on them either. Many people who experience same-sex attraction have had very negative experiences with churches and Christians. Also, they can often tell the difference between a real Christian and someone who just goes to church. The way you treat others will do far more toward opening hearts to God than your words are likely to, especially in the early stages of an acquaintance or friendship.
Some Christians feel that it is important to "let them know where I stand" -- in other words, to make it clear to their friends or acquaintances that they think homosexuality is wrong. Avoid this temptation. If you are part of a conservative church or denomination, your friends will probably have already assumed that you think homosexuality is wrong. What they will most likely not realize is that you know God loves them anyway, and that you will treat them with respect. It is far more important, in the grand scheme of things, for you to communicate to your friends by your actions (and words, as appropriate) that God loves them, than for you to be clear about secondary theological beliefs. If your friends or acquaintances ask you about your beliefs about God or homosexuality, you can certainly answer them. In doing so, avoid the temptation to give a mini-sermon; it is much better to say a few sentences and then stop. If your friends want more information, they will ask more questions. (Incidentally, saying "homosexuality is wrong" is an unhelpful and vague statement which does not distinguish between behavior, identity and attraction Remember also that sexual sins are not worse than other sins like gossip and lying -- they may just have different consequences for the person involved and for others around him or her).
Don't let what you know about an acquaintance's sexual attractions prevent you from getting to know him or her as a real person. There is much more to other people than the fact that they are attracted to the same sex. Find out who they really are, what they like, what they want out of life....
Respect the trust your friend has placed in you
All people have the right to decide if, when, and who to tell about things that are important to them. Some people are very open about their sexuality. Others may have told only a few people.
If your friend or acquaintance has trusted you and secretly told you about his or her same-sex attraction, respect that trust. Do not tell anyone this secret. If you find it difficult to deal with what you've been told, learn more about same-sex attraction. If you need to talk to someone else, find someone who does not know your friend and who is not likely to cross paths with him or her, and ask general questions without using a name or other details.
Perhaps your friend hasn't told you anything, but you wonder if he or she experiences same-sex attraction. There are various things you can do:
* You could mention something from the news or a TV show which has to do with homosexuality,
* You could comment about how it bothers you when people bash gay and lesbian people (or something similar), as a way of bringing up the topic at a more personal level.
* If you've noticed that something is bothering your friend, you could say something like, "It seems like things are a bit rough for you right now. Do you want to talk about it?" If your friend says no, respect that choice but communicate that if he or she ever does, you're available.
* You could share some personal things about yourself, to move your friendship to a deeper level This may or may not reslt in your friend feeling more comfortable talking about personal stuff.
* You could ask your friend outright.
Which one of these you do, if any, depends on several things: How long have you known each other? Is your friend generally easy-going and open, or does he or she not say much about personal things? What would you say if your friend asks you why you want to know? What would your friend know about your attitude about same-sex attraction? (in other words, has your friend heard you tell gay jokes and put down other people, or does he or she see you acting respectfully toward others regardless of differences?)
Listen to your friend's feelings
Listen for the feelings that are behind the words your friend or acquaintance uses. Is your friend feeling alone? Angry? Depressed? While it is not your job to counsel, you can be an encouragement by listening and acknowledging his or her feelings. You can also suggest other places to go to talk to someone.
Speak openly with your friend
Communication is vital and, when done well, strengthens friendships and relationships. Here are some examples:
If your friend has just come out to you, it is helpful if you give verbal feedback. Don't assume that your friend knows how you feel about what has been shared -- he or she is likely afraid of rejection and it is important for you to say what you think. Depending on the case, you might say one of the following:
* "I wondered whether you might be gay, so I'm not surprised that you're telling me this. It doesn't change how I feel about you; you're my friend and that's that."
* "Well, I really had no idea, but that's ok. We're friends, right?"
* "I guess this is a bit of a shock for me. I had no idea. I still want to be friends, but I'll need a bit of time to get used to the idea. Is that ok?"
* "Thanks for being so open. I guess I feel kind of uncomfortable with this... will you help me understand more about this?"
Some friends may talk to you a lot about personal issues, while other friends may prefer to say very little. It is important to give others the freedom to say as much or little as they like. At the same time, a friend may be looking for signs that it is ok to talk more with you. You might consider saying something like, "How much you share about your life is up to you, but I want you to know I'm here for you." Or "I get the sense that something's really bothering you. When you're ready to talk about it, I'm here for you." However, if a friend or acquaintance is going into more personal detail than you feel comfortable with, you might want to gently say something like: "I'm glad you trust me so much that we can talk about all these things. But I was wondering.... I'd rather not hear all the details about what happened... could you tell me more about how you are feeling and what you are thinking, and leave some of the particular details out?"
Learn more about same-sex attraction
Learn more about same-sex attraction. You may be interested in reading books and articles which give a variety of perspectives on the topic. Your friend certainly may be able to suggest some materials. Libraries, websites like FreeToBeMe.com, youth organizations, and your church are all possible sources for other materials. Listening to your friend will teach you a lot all by itself.
Dialogue about differences of opinion
People have differing opinions about many things. Some of them are fairly impersonal (whether a movie is worth seeing, for example, or whether so-and-so is a good professor). Others are very personal (political, sexual and religious beliefs, for example). That's ok. If we all thought and believed exactly the same things, life would be rather monotonous and predictable.
As topics go, same-sex attraction is definitely more personal, because it has to do with the feelings, attractions and behaviors of a person -- in this case, a person whom you know. This does not mean that you and your friend have to have the same beliefs about it. It means that talking about differences of opinion related to same-sex attraction is much more sensitive than discussing your favorite TV show. For Christians, the topic is often a very uncomfortable one to discuss.
If your friend is not interested in talking, you need to respect his or her wishes. If your friend does want to talk about it but you do not have the same views, dialogue rather than argue, remembering that your friendship is always more important than "winning the argument."
Dialogue involves the following:
* listening to the other person's beliefs, and asking questions about them in order to better understand;
* expressing your own beliefs and explaining them clearly;
It might also include:
* deciding what you can agree on;
* agreeing to disagree about things you can't agree on.
Dialogue does NOT involve arguing and trying to force the other person to agree with you. You have the right to believe what you want to believe, whether or not there is evidence to support your beliefs. Your friend or acquaintance has the same rights, whether or not there is evidence to support those beliefs. Treating others with respect involves giving them that freedom.
For more articles by New Direction for Life Ministries, go to http://www.newdirection.ca/home.htm.
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Copyright © 1999 New Direction for Life Ministries - Toronto, Inc. All rights reserved.
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