Right from the beginning, our marriage was in deep trouble. How could it possibly survive?
Tye: I first noticed Nancy when she walked into a church "college and career" meeting. I thought, Here's someone I would like to get to know. I had a long-distance relationship with a girl that was falling apart and I was frustrated with my roommate. Soon Nancy became a confidante for my grief.
Nancy: As we spent more time together, I began to fall in love. But Tye began talking about going to India on a mission assignment, and it was obvious that I was not a part of his plans. By this time we had become very close, so I decided to be blunt: "I would love to go to India with you, but not as a single person."
Tye: This revelation that Nancy wanted to marry me was a total shock. But I was thrilled; marriage was something I had always wanted. However, I had determined that anyone I married would know of my struggle with homosexuality.
Nancy: When Tye told me of his struggle, I was surprised, but not shocked. I was honored that he would confide in me. I was filled with hope for our relationship. But I naively assumed that marriage would give him the sexual outlet he needed to go straight.
Tye: What Nancy didn't know was that I was still having occasional gay encounters. Each time, I promised myself it would be the last. I thought marriage would be the quick cure for my sexual struggles. Just before our wedding on December 28, 1981, my fears momentarily flooded over me. I hope I can do this, I thought, then put it out of my mind and went ahead.
Nancy: As I walked down the aisle, my knees were shaking. I thought, I hope I'm making the right decision. It's too late to turn back.
Tye: Three months after we married, I fell into sex with another man and knew I had to tell Nancy. She was devastated. "This is too much for me to handle," she responded. "I can't talk about this." I felt hurt and unsupported.
Nancy: I felt like my insides were being ripped to shreds. All my life I had been taught that I shouldn't have problems if I was living a victorious Christian life. I thought there was something wrong with me. I wasn't a good enough wife to keep him sexually faithful.
The pain was so overwhelming that I went into denial, telling myself that if I just tried harder and trusted God more, everything would be okay. For the next five years--including a three-year mission term overseas--I convinced myself that things were getting better.
Tye: I had nowhere to turn with my struggle--not even Nancy wanted to hear details of my struggles. On the mission field I continued to have occasional sexual encounters with men. Each time I vowed it would never happen again. I felt trapped.
When we returned to Canada we made preparations to go overseas for a more permanent assignment. By this time, Nancy was very emotionally distraught and insisted we get counseling.
Nancy: With the help of our Christian counselor, I began facing the truth of Tye's sexual activities over the past five years of our marriage. I also began separating my identity from his struggle. I could not keep Tye from going out and having a sexual encounter. This was difficult for me; a large part of my self-worth came from the idea that I would love Tye enough to help him.
Tye: I learned that a major root cause of my uncontrollable sexual behavior was childhood sexual abuse. I had never known how to fill my relational emptiness with men other than through sex. I had to learn how to get past barriers of intimacy and learn how to get my same-sex emotional needs met in healthy ways.
My sexual falls became less frequent. As time went on, I came to believe that six months of sexual faithfulness was quite an accomplishment, the best I could hope for.
Nancy and I became more honest about my ongoing struggles. One day, after sharing with her about another sexual fall, her response was different. She didn't cry like usual. I told her it seemed as though she didn't care. She said, "I don't know how much more of this I can take." Suddenly, my denial broke; I realized that I could lose my wife and children.
Nancy: We heard about Exodus and attended our first conference in June 1990 with a five-month-old baby. I felt that God was calling us to launch a ministry to homosexuals in Winnipeg. This conference, I dreamed, would give us the final push that we needed.
Tye: Two weeks before the conference I had a sexual fall. Immediately I had felt intense remorse and knew I had to tell my accountability group, two men from my church. Nancy also needed to know but I waited until we were at the conference. On the second day, I told her what had happened. At that moment, I knew I could lose her, but I also knew that facing her was part of the consequences of my actions.
Nancy: When Tye told me I went numb. My mind was reeling. Is this really happening to me? Had I been wrong in thinking God wanted me to stay in the marriage?
During the following days I reached the lowest point that I had ever been in my marriage. However, I had grown to the point in my personal life where I was no longer so emotionally desperate that I needed our marriage to work to feel good about myself. I had grown in my self-identity so that it was no longer absorbed in Tye and in my marriage to him.
I told God, "I don't know what You want from me anymore. If You want me to stay, You'll have to see me through, because I have nothing left to give."
Tye: The rest of the week was turmoil. Through the guidance of several people who helped us that week, Nancy decided to stay with me. However, we both knew things had to change.
Nancy: The next year was another period of reconstruction. We went through many months of celibacy as more issues related to Tye's sexual abuse surfaced. I had to learn by experience that sex was not the most important sign of love; we learned to define intimacy in an expanded way, including deepened honesty in communication.
Tye: My past sexual abuse caused me to question whether I was loveable for anything other than sex. The period of celibacy helped break that lie. Over that year, another pattern became evident. I often resisted when Nancy took the initiative in anything, yet I was unwilling to make the first move. We had to work on this issue. Specifically, I had to take more responsibility for my accountability.
Nancy: I am convinced that God has accomplished a work in my heart through the difficulties in our marriage that has brought me into a richer and more intimate relationship with Him.
Tye: While I still struggle with lust sometimes when I am tired or stressed, weeks will go by when I don't even think homosexual thoughts or experience temptation. I am in love with Nancy, and I am sexually attracted to her.
God is using the healing we have found to give hope to others. We thank God for our Christian counselor who believed change was possible, for our supportive church and friends, and for the ministry of Exodus International.
Additional Information:
Copyright 1997, Tye and Nancy Gamey. Tye and Nancy are founders of New Direction for Life in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. |
