Spotting It
There are some telltale signs that can alert you when someone you’re watching over is involved in an unhealthy attachment. Let’s say Josh is emotionally dependent with Andy. How can you tell?
- Josh and Andy became close very quickly.
- Josh tags along with Andy whenever he gets a chance. When he’s not with him, he’s talking about him.
- Josh and Andy share an inordinate amount of lengthy phone calls; they often exchange gifts for no reason.
- Josh gets jealous and feels rejected when Andy spends time with other friends.
- Josh has few or no boundaries when it comes to Andy. He expresses affection in a way that makes others (including, sometimes, Andy) uncomfortable.
- Josh puts little or no effort into other relationships.
- Sometimes Andy uses or abuses Josh, but Josh doesn’t seem to notice.*
- Other times, Josh’s feelings are easily and badly hurt by little things Andy does.*
- When confronted about the relationship, Josh gets angry and defensive.
- Josh does not feel comfortable or know how to act around other people when Andy’s not there.
- Josh can’t have fun without Andy.
- Josh struggles with sexual attractions and fantasies about Andy.
*These points may seem to contradict each other, but they will usually go together faithfully. The fact is, an emotionally dependent person doesn’t mind abuse from the object of their affection, because abuse is a form of attention. But if the person they’re attached to does anything which makes them feel rejected or left out, they become extremely hurt. Emotionally unhealthy relationships can be unpredictable.
You might see just one of these things in a particular friendship, and that’s not necessarily a big deal. But if you start to see several of the things on this list, it’s a good bet you’re looking at ED.
Again, Emotional Dependency is not specific to the homosexual struggle. This little story could be about Sarah and Jennifer, or Sarah and Josh, just as easily. Often, emotionally dependent relationships go unnoticed in the church because it’s a man and a woman, and the broken relationship is masked by “romance”.
At the Core
This is a hard issue to work with because it’s not a more obvious sin like premarital sex or homosexuality (though it’s often involved with each). And it’s not a sin that’s committed out of rebelliousness, ingratitude or even, necessarily, lust. However, it is the product of brokenness that must be healed.
As with homosexuality, someone is driven into ED by unmet legitimate needs and false beliefs. Josh really needs love, friendship, affirmation and leadership in his life. But he has some mistaken beliefs about who he is and how to get those things. Let’s look at some of the core beliefs that fuel emotional dependency.
- I have no innate self worth.
- I never fit in with other people.
- When someone tells me no or asks me to stop, that equals rejection.
- Sex/physical affection equals love.
- I need to be someone’s “favorite”.
- Someday I will find “the one” who will meet all of my needs.
- If I share my “special friend”, I will lose them.
Romans 12:2 tells us we are transformed by changing the way we think. To overcome the effects of these false beliefs, the struggler needs to believe something different, often the complete opposite!
For instance, instead of “I have no worth”, the truth is that “I have infinite worth given to me by God, and no one can take it away!” It will take a lot of time, support and discipline for a broken person to fully embrace this new way of thinking. It’s something we’re all learning to do!
Two-Way Street
It’s also important to notice that the “weaker half” in an emotionally dependent relationship is not the only one with a problem! You see, while Josh has an unhealthy need for Andy, Andy needs to be needed. A more mature friend will respond to Josh with love and friendship but also boundaries, while Andy enables Josh’s unhealthy behaviors because it medicates his own inner wounds.
What to do About It
Oftentimes, a pair of friends or a young 'couple' who are struggling with ED will need space from each other, at least for a while. The “Josh” in this scenario (who is probably a more insecure, introverted person) will need a lot of love and comfort from a mature person who can be there for him and show him affection while maintaining healthy boundaries. Remember, just because he struggles with unhealthy attachments doesn’t mean he can or should go without real love and intimacy.
The “Andy” character is probably a more confident person, popular and outwardly healthy. He or she may not have as many overt “issues” as Josh, but they probably need to do some guided soul-searching and discover what made them play their part in letting the friendship get out of hand.
Overcoming ED is really painful. This is because it involves not only the loss of that comforting relationship, but also the shattering of the hope that the “perfect best friend” will someday come around. Be there for your students as they work through this.
When people come out on the other side of ED, though, they are so much happier. Often, they are able to have a healthy friendship with the former object of their dependency, and find that the spell has broken. They will be so thankful for their new freedom (this may be a while down the road, though).
However, if sexual boundaries have been crossed in such a relationship, resuming that relationship is probably not a good idea.
That’s a Long Section!
Yes, we did spend a lot of time on that. Emotional Dependency is a HUGE issue in the church today. It’s not specific to homosexuality, but you will find its fingerprints all over premarital sex, unfaithfulness in marriage, porn addiction, drugs, and a host of other ills.
If the church can learn to facilitate God’s healing on a deep, relational level, we will begin to see amazing victories in all of these areas.
Relational Masks
This book, written by an Exodus Ministry Director, takes an in-depth look at the struggles most of us face in finding authenticity and intimacy.
