Exodus International - True Love Changes You

I grew up in a small town, the son of a Southern Baptist preacher. I was raised on the gospel and our family remained, by the grace of God, free of any substance abuse or sexual violation, and my parents were never divorced or even separated. If anyone should never have developed a homosexual orientation, it was me. But I did.

My dad was a great pastor, and anybody in our congregation would say he was the most loving and giving person they’d ever met. He was such a great pastor in fact his family sometimes came in a distant second. The truth is he loved me all the time, but in my heart I believed he loved everyone else more.

Furthermore, I always felt different from other boys, isolated because I couldn’t play their sports or act tough. I wanted their acceptance, but they only called me horrible names. I blamed and hated myself. I retreated into books and my own inner fantasy world where I had friends who loved me.

In junior high I decided to reinvent myself. I lifted weights obsessively and grew my hair out. I succeeded in changing the outside, but inside I was still hurting and insecure. One day at the gym, an older teenager exposed himself to me in a sexual way. Although it was a scary and confusing experience, I also experienced a strange excitement that I couldn’t name.

My little fantasy world started to become strange. Soon, I realized with horror that I was actually becoming the “faggot” the other boys in school had always called me. I prayed fervently for God to take the feelings away, but He did not. I felt too ashamed to ask anyone for help, so I tried in secret to make it go away. Eventually I just became weary of feeling so alone.

When I was a freshman in high school, a female friend came out to me as a lesbian. I suddenly felt a liberation I had never known. Finally, I could tell someone about my secret struggle. Unfortunately, this confession only opened up the path into the homosexual lifestyle. Through my friend, I was introduced to other gay people and their ideals. I discovered pornography for which I had a very eager interest. In my heart I knew I was disobeying God, but I felt He had abandoned me and hated me because I was gay, so what else could I do?

The homosexual life offered me the first taste of intimacy and acceptance I’d ever had. What a wonderful surprise it was to meet men who were interested in me and eager to show me affection! It was not long before I became sexually active with other guys.

Meanwhile, my parents discovered my secret life and tried to end it. They tried to monitor me every hour. They took me to Christian therapists, most of whom were on my side! I remember one Christian counselor who would not see me after just one session; he said I was born gay and that was that. But my parents wouldn’t accept that. Eventually they took me to New Creation Ministries in Fresno to talk to a woman named Donna who was a former lesbian. I hated the idea, but somewhere deep inside there was still a small boy who didn’t want to be gay.

Even while attending counseling and groups, I went deeper into the gay life. I became more and more promiscuous and engaged in increasingly risky behaviors with people I barely knew. I became disillusioned with gay life, realizing that I was never going to find “the one” and live happily ever after. Surprisingly, this truth was told to me numerous times by many long-time life partners I knew. I knew them because they met me in bars, at parties, or on the internet and took me home to sleep with them. I lived this way basically from age 16 to 21, miserable but truly believing there was nothing else out there for me.

One day, when I was in one of the places I went to “hook up”, feeling disgusted with myself but hopelessly needy, I was suddenly overcome by the presence of the Lord. I heard a voice in my heart telling me Jesus had followed me there, even to that nasty sinful place, and wanted me to come back with Him. This revelation about His true feelings toward me began a slow but inevitable change in my mind. I knew I was meant for better, and for the first time dared to believe my life could change.

The sinful habits I had made were hard to break because they were more than just habits; sex was how I dealt with life! I had to face the pain of my past and reject the lies I had believed about myself. I had to start making healthy relationships. This is an arduous process which continues to this day.

Making friends with other guys is so hard. Sometimes the littlest thing can trigger my old insecurities and bring up deep hurts. But I know these things are brought to the surface so that the Lord can heal them. Other times, I’ve struggled with being attracted to my guy friends. But each time the Lord has helped me push past these automatic responses to cultivate a real relationship with the real person behind the appearance.

Sometimes guys don’t seem interested in letting me be their friend, and that hurts too. Through all of it, I am learning that Jesus alone is “the one,” my best friend, my always-faithful lover, and He’ll take care of all my needs no matter what.

There’ve been disappointments, though. I was attending a fairly large church when I first began to truly journey out of the lifestyle, and I wanted a mentor. When I told my youth pastor what I struggled with, he said he wouldn’t do it. The director of our men’s ministries also told me he didn’t think anyone in the church would want to. I was devastated. I left that church, but in just a few days I met someone who invited me to another church where I met a godly man who was unafraid to be my mentor and friend, and that’s what he is to this day.

And everyone wants to know: “Do you like girls!?” The answer is: “I’ll get there when I’m supposed to!” Many aren’t impressed to hear this. You aren’t supposed to be impressed with me, but with God’s love, grace and power. Heterosexuality isn’t the goal, holiness is. And I am getting there!

More than anything, my relationship with Jesus is changing me from the inside out. At my first Exodus conference, a complete stranger told me that God loved me “as though He had no other children at all.” What that stranger didn’t know was that deep inside I had always felt that God only loved me because He had to, that was his job as God (this was really how I felt about my dad, the pastor). That’s just one example of how Jesus’ love has undone the lies that so deeply wounded my identity.

As I walk daily in deeper intimacy with Him, and in genuine intimacy with other guys, I experience continuing victory over this struggle. Soon I will celebrate four years of freedom. The walk out of Egypt didn’t happen overnight and it is not over yet. But God is showing me His power to do the impossible in my life. He is healing the lonely little boy inside, rebuilding my shattered masculinity, and daily extending grace to an imperfect son.

Today I’m an intern counselor at New Creation Ministries in Fresno, doing for others what Donna did for me. I provide a safe place for struggling young people to open themselves up and be who they are, a place where they can hear the truth including the great hope that goes along with it! I also feel a strong call to take the Gospel into the gay community. Every year when they have their parades and festivals, my friends and I are there, handing out snacks and telling people the Good News. Not that “you’d better change,” but that God loves you, and He does do the impossible!

Mike is a worker in Exodus' Student Ministry department.

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