Exodus International - Why Was It Worth It?

Whenever I get the chance to share my testimony, I usually am asked if the struggle was worthwile. I never claim that any part of my journey has been easy, but it was worth it. I have always felt and known this, but at a recent radio interview I was asked, “Why was it worth it?” and I was forced to describe and put words to this feeling.

My story is not a story of self determination, but of why we need each other, why we need the church, and why we all need a Savior.

I grew up in a small town outside of Atlanta, GA. I was the youngest of five, one being my identical twin brother. Just like Jacob and Esau’s story in the Bible, my brother became my father’s favorite and I became my mother’s favorite. This was not intentional, but simply a way for my parents to share the responsibility of us. One could say that is where the problem began. However, there was so much more that contributed to my struggle with homosexuality.

My mom was the spiritual leader in our home and taught us the importance of loving and serving God. My family attended a small Baptist church where at age 11, I accepted Christ as my Savior and was baptized. Even from an early age, I had a deep love for God and a desire to know Him more.

Every Sunday seemed like the same old message about the importance of Salvation. I am not against preaching on the importance of Salvation: that we are sinners until we open our hearts to receive Christ is the very foundation for healing. But I was hungry for training, equipping, knowledge, and understanding on how to live my life as a Christian.

Even today, I question if the church overall is really doing what it is called to do. Are churches open to becoming a place where people can be real and find freedom or are we just trying to fill the pews with bodies, while “Christians” remain in bondage to their struggles?

I heard TD Jakes sharing in a sermon that the church needs to be about liberation just as much as it is about salvation; that many believers early in their walk sit in church trying to understand how God is really going to help them overcome strongholds in their lives. My church never talked about liberation from anything, much less freedom from homosexuality.

In grade school, I had a difficult time connecting with other boys. Girls seemed more familiar and safe. Every year, I would have a new “girlfriend,” which everyone found cute. They didn’t see the separation that was happening from my own peer group and the longing I had for their acceptance. I remember praying that God would give me just one guy best friend. I felt ashamed of this longing and my need to be accepted by other guys. At the same time, I also was dealing with my perceptions and feelings of rejection from my father and brothers.

High School was also challenging as this longing to have male acceptance drove me into insecurity and depression. I continued to have many girl friends and even started dating. Unfortunately, that wasn’t enough to stop me from lusting after other guys. As I began to develop into manhood, my sexual thought life was all over the place. My longing for acceptance now turned sexual. I would pick the guys out that had what I felt I was lacking; the “popular guys” who looked like they had it all together. I never knew what to do with these thoughts and feeling. I was too afraid to tell my parents, youth pastor or pastor. I felt that disclosing this secret struggle would only make things worse. I resolved to just deal with this on my own. I was alone and afraid.

Entering college was a whole new and exciting world for me; I was on my own. It was time for me to grow up, learn, and prepare for God’s calling. And what an opportune time missed for my college to start talking about this issue, when I was looking for answers and advice.

Even with a small sense of safety I felt at my Christian school, I wasn’t protected or prepared for what happened next. A popular guy on campus began initiating a friendship with me. As our friendship grew, he started sharing with me his struggle with homosexuality. Our friendship transitioned into a sexual relationship. I remember hating and feeling disgusted by what we were doing. However, the longer this relationship continued, the further I felt from God and the easier it became to justify our behavior.

Satan always knows exactly where to get us: right where we are weak. He knew my deep desire for acceptance and fed on all those confusing thoughts. God also knew exactly where I was. Satan could only offer the counterfeit of what God had for me. This sexual relationship was only temporarily satisfying my deeper longing for healthy male friendships.

Thankfully this relationship did not last long. As the semester started back, rumors began to spread about my friend’s struggle with homosexuality. My fraternity brothers kept me from having any kind of friendship with him. At this point, they didn’t know about me. My secret remained. I could not face the consequences or deal with the rejection that my friend had experienced from our “Christian” peers. After graduating from college, I moved to Nashville to work in the Christian music industry. I continued to walk in guilt, bondage, and condemnation.

Moving to a new city and fighting loneliness, I discovered temporary friendships online. I was immediately addicted to internet chat rooms and porn sites. I continued in sin and filth, and felt more separated from God than ever. My relationship with Christ was being compromised by the need for a quick fix. I hated what I was doing. Once, I took the plunge and hooked up in person with a guy that I had met online for a one night stand. I knew things were getting completely out of control.

I was ready to do whatever it took to get help. Searching online, I found a local Exodus ministry in Nashville. This was the first time I ever spoke the words, “I think that I might be gay.” I didn’t want to be gay, but neither did I want to struggle with this for the rest of my life.

Thankfully, this Exodus ministry director knew the importance of church and how embracing community would help me find healing. God led me to a church called New Song Christian Fellowship. This church was not afraid of what I was struggling with, and did not reject me. I opened up to one of the pastors and he committed to walking this out with me. “Walking this out” meant being forced to deal with lots of difficult issues that either I hadn’t allowed God to reveal to me or I simply chose to ignore. God used my new found community to minister the truth that I was searching for. These pastors and leaders helped me discover my identity in Christ. They helped me face other difficult issues in my life which contributed to my same-sex struggle such as depression, rejection, false identity, and false perceptions.

As I joined in the community and began serving at church, I found those healthy friendships that I had longed for. I found other guys willing to walk along side of me, keep me accountable, and encourage me. These guys weren’t just my friends; they were God’s provision as the very covenant companions I had longed and prayed for.

So why was it worth it? I no longer walk around confused about my identity. God has given me the wholeness and healing that I was so desperate for. He not only saved me, He liberated me and continues to liberate me. I finally understand what it means to not just be a Christian, but have a personal relationship with an awesome, loving, and gracious God. I am not only free of the bondage of unwanted same-sex attraction, I continue to walk free of anything that hinders my relationship with Him. The process has brought me closer to God and has shown me my complete dependence on Him.

As a testimony to His faithfulness in my life, I now serve on staff at Exodus International. God has taken what He has done in my life to give others hope; to share the very message that as a student, I was so desperate for. This year I have spoken to several student pastors and at several colleges. I was even blessed with the opportunity to share my testimony in a chapel service at my own college. God has given me the strength to fight and regain ground that Satan tried to take from me. As I continue to offer myself obedient, He continues to give me incredible blessing and favor.

My passion is to help the church become a place of safety, refuge, and support for those struggling with unwanted homosexuality. After all, the Church is where I, among many others, have found healing.

Our culture is telling youth, men, and women to accept and embrace their struggle as their identity, while the church has remained silent. We are living in a time where sin is not only being tolerated, it is being celebrated. The church has a great opportunity if we will seize this moment.

There is a great harvest waiting to be discovered!

David Fountain is the Conference Director at Exodus.He oversees seminars and conference events, including the Annual Exodus Freedom Conference. He also is involved with the Groundswell Conference that equips community leaders with a powerful, redemptive response to the growing crisis of pro-gay initiatives in America’s schools. He has shared his personal story at colleges, schools, youth forums and in churches.

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