Are "ex-gay" ministries guilty of creating a Christian counterpart to the homosexual subculture?
Ex-gay ministries run the risk of creating a distinct subculture. Composed solely of individuals seeking to come out of homosexuality, this subculture replaces the gay lifestyle as an alternative community.
There are many parallels to the gay lifestyle. The ex-gay subculture may still perpetuate thinly-veiled gay attitudes and points of reference, especially a "we-them" mentality. Only now, instead of the heterosexual world being "them," the "straight" church becomes the antagonist which necessitates cleaving all the more to other ex-gays who "really understand."
Of course, the parallels between the gay and the ex-gay communities break down when you consider their goals. The fundamental goal of "ex-gaydom" is growth beyond homosexuality into the fullness of Christ and His Church. But for us as ex-gay ministers to be subtly creating a "plateau" on which ex-gays establish their own distinctive community is a basic violation of our calling. It is also a violation of an important New Testament theme. Paul says in the book of Galatians that Christians should not distinguish themselves on the basis of secondary characteristics, i.e., being Jewish or Greek. He calls the Church to seek primary unity as a whole body, one that testifies of Christ's profound work of reconciliation.
The same principle applies to those of us who are ex-gay. When we cut ourselves off from the Church at large, we minimize the reality that Christ--not our sexual background--is the basis for our identification with the believing community.
Furthermore, we cannot grow out of homosexuality if our relational focus is primarily on other strugglers. How can I grow up into the fullness of Christ without relating with more mature, sexually-resolved individuals? People who are "more whole" than we are tend to make us exercise relational "muscle." Their maturity challenges our status quo, and stretches our limited perception of self.
It's like playing tennis with someone who is a better player. We are forced to scramble a bit--we are not "safe" in assured victory. But through the match we grow strong and more confident, better able to face the upcoming challenges at hand.
The same kind of growth occurs in relationships with those who don't share our homosexual struggle. We see in their wholeness a glimpse of what we are becoming. That reflection illumines a part of our self-image that ex-gay friends usually do not reflect back to us, especially as it relates to heterosexual resolve. If we want to be whole, we need tangible marks of maturity revealed through healthy relationships with people who do not share our sexual struggle. This need for movement beyond the "ex-gay plateau" has become acutely apparent to me as the director of Desert Stream.
Two things basically occur to our participants--they either take what they learn in Desert Stream and apply it in the context of their own church; or they try to make Desert Stream their church, with Jesus as their therapist who exists primarily to heal their homosexuality. The first group gets free; the second group becomes complacent, darkly introspective, and finally, hopeless.
One Step at a Time
Growth out of homosexuality seems to occur stage by stage--it is developmental, in that a person surmounts one aspect of the problem, then proceeds on to the next.
For the bulk of individuals who go through Desert Stream, the initial stage involves a freedom from an irrational fear surrounding the problem. This freedom liberates them to deal with overcoming compulsive behaviors, breaking off idolatrous same-sex relationships, and learning how to relate appropriately to members of the same sex. An atmosphere of nurturing and acceptance is crucial here. Participants begin to discover a new depth of honesty as they enter into the healing presence of Jesus and caring Christians. A new language of intimacy emerges, as does a new awareness of the meaning of the heart's cry for love. The inner life of one's own sexuality begins to express itself outwardly, in a way that is frightening but in order.
Jesus is present--the powerful waters of sexual desire rise up and crash upon His presence. He becomes the discerner of true desire versus the false, of legitimate need versus illegitimate expression of the inner child who needs affirmation and correction.
During this process, the ministry provides a covering of care that enables the heart's cry to connect with Jesus and others. It is a holy context. But it is not the only one needed for healing.
Growing Uneasiness
After six to twelve months in Desert Stream's "Living Waters" program, a participant may sense a gnawing unease and restlessness. Like an adolescent yearning to emerge into adulthood, the individual desires a glimpse of the greater whole.
He or she wearies of examining this or that need, of working out the boundaries of same-sex friendships with those struggling in a similar way. A genuine, healthy yearning for greater growth begins to rise up and feel stifled by the confines of Desert Stream.
And that's good! I've learned to bless this yearning, for I know that at its core is a new inner strength that must find a context other than Desert Stream in order to be free.
This point of uneasiness must be identified and empowered by us as ministers. For it indicates that God Himself is bringing the individual to a new threshold, through which he must pass in order to move into identification with the greater church body and relationships therein that can facilitate wholeness. Our counselees must be equipped by us to move out of ex-gay ministry and into the wholeness that can only be realized outside of our services.
Facilitating the Change
How do we facilitate this transition? First, we must discover its biblical basis. In Ephesians 3:16Ð19, Paul prays that we may be empowered with the love of Jesus, entering into the fullness of the Father's love for us.
The Holy Spirit enables us to receive and walk in the powerful realities God has always intended for us. The individual emerging out of homosexuality must become "rooted and grounded" in the love of Jesus. This love is the entrance into wholeness, which includes the potential of heterosexual relationships.
This principle applies pointedly to the transition from ex-gay ministry to the greater Church body. In ex-gay ministry, we provide a covering where wounds, needs, and compulsions can be identified and brought into the light of God's love. But once that has occurred, the individual needs the empowering of love to rise out of the safe, nurturing environment of ex-gay ministry and into the real, awesome world of the greater Christian community. In other words, the healing needs to be "walked out" in the greater Christian arena. This step requires the empowering of love. It enables the individual to exit out of a centering on personal issues, into a fuller dimension of God's love as revealed in the Church.
Empowering Relationship
How does this empowering occur? We must first teach our people to listen to Jesus, to cease from striving and restless activity, and enter into a heart-to-heart relationship with Him. One cannot rise up with true inspired strength unless it has been gained through waiting in His presence. The issues that debilitate and fragment the soul must be freed to come up and be enveloped by God's love. So we must teach our people to communicate with Jesus, with an emphasis on listening to the words and receiving the power He gives time and time again. I have discovered the release of fresh strength upon laying down my own agenda and simply awaiting the empowering that only God can give. I am liberated to press through outer trials because of the inner renewal He grants me in prayer and meditation.
In the presence of Jesus, we become aware of the yearnings of the soul for greater freedom. We cry out to Him and He elevates the cry to a higher place, and grants that yearning a truer object of desire.
For example, many participants in Desert Stream begin to experience an ache for a complement, a desire to ease their aloneness through a covenant relationship with another. That ache is felt most acutely in prayer. Many initially interpret it as a homosexual yearning but, in time, it is transformed to a heterosexual one. The same-sex object of desire gives way to the as yet unformed figure of the opposite sex. Their own healing, coupled with the Lord's ever-present desire to affirm true sexual identity and yearning, gives rise to an aching aloneness that longs for opposite-sex intimacy.
This longing needs to be blessed. It is a powerful motivator, in the same way that the uneasiness with the limitation of ex-gay ministry can compel one outside of it.
These two motivators--the growing unease with the ex-gay context, and the yearning for opposite-sex intimacy--provide a natural momentum for change and growth. When aligned with the fresh empowering of the Holy Spirit, the individual is prepared to press onward into the greater community of Christ.
The Lord grants us an inner posture of strength and desire that compels us outward--away from ex-gay ministry and into the Church. We must have this inner strength because of the emotional resistances we must face and surmount in integrating with the greater whole.
Karen from Desert Stream states it very clearly: "I need to be the one to initiate relationships with others in my church. I can't wait for them to come to me and be everything I need.
"If I want to be knit into my church, I must be prepared, with Jesus' help, to reach out and make the best of what's there."
David, a leader from Desert Stream, saw that Jesus' strength gave him the grace to move away from relationships focused primarily on his own needs. He formed some friendships that involved his giving to others.
"At Desert Stream," he says, "everyone is becoming aware of needs and how to meet them. I am surrounded by good counselors.
"But things are different at church. I need to grow up and realize that people aren't there just to meet my needs. I'm there to minister to others as well. I've got good things to give, but that means being willing to weather the good and the bad of the real, imperfect fellowship I'm in.
"The Lord has given me strength to continue with my church, even when a lot of people don't understand my struggle. And through sticking it out, I've developed new strength."
Risking in Relationships
As ex-gay ministers, we need to encourage in our participants that crucial inner strength which compels them to seek fellowship outside of our confines. That involves identifying the legitimate uneasiness that arises in them as they see the limitations of our service.
It also involves helping them become alive to the indwelling Holy Spirit which roots them in a greater power and awakens them to a hunger for intimacy beyond friendship with other ex-gays. Through our ministry, people must be equipped and challenged to identify with, and become established in, the greater Church body.
Transition
The practical transition into the church includes several basic steps. The first involves seeing our service as limited--it is intended only for a season. Our people must always be aware that their ultimate goal is becoming a healthy, life-giving member of the Body of Christ, no longer needing our services.
During their time with us, we need to help counselees to identify and work through the wounds and misconceptions that hinder this transition.
Forgiveness needs to be applied to those in the Church who have been harsh and arbitrary. Unforgiveness rooted in past rejection tends to empower the "we-them" mentality.
We must forgive; we alone are responsible before God to clear the path of others' cruelty toward us. If we do not forgiven, we remain bound to our own immaturity.
We try to protect ourselves by foolishly naming the Church at large as antagonistic toward us. In the process, we cut ourselves off from the real sources of love that potentially await us in the Church. Forgiving ignorant and cruel individuals whom we have come to identify with the Church enables one to move into the believing community.
At another level, we simply need to support and encourage our people as they seek to get involved in the greater community. Learning how to meaningfully give and receive in what is perceived as the "alien" world of the church can be frightening.
Ex-gay ministries need to tailor support that eases that fear. We can make that transition less jarring for our people by encouraging each small step into the community and helping them deal with the real fears that arise as they do. Such support must be an important part of our service while the struggler is in our midst. It isn't helpful to provide a service for a limited time unless that service has truly empowered them to become knit into the believing community.
Our goal as ex-gay ministers must be to effectively help others to stand without us. Once alive to the awesome, challenging, and healing resources of the greater Church body, the homosexual struggler can gratefully move beyond "ex-gaydom" into a context of wholeness that we cannot provide.
Andy Comiskey is founder/director of Desert Stream, an Exodus ministry in Los Angeles. He has served on the Exodus board of directors, including as board president.
The Plateau: What Others Say
A few years after coming out of homosexuality, I reached a place of comfort. I had some very satisfying same-sex friendships. I thought, "I could stay at this place for the rest of my life." It's then I realized that something was wrongÑthere were no significant female friendships in my life."
--Shawn Corkery, former Desert Stream staff member
When I first became a Christian, I was afraid God would force me to get married. It was only after I got over that fear that the Lord could really begin to work in my life. Within a couple of years, I realized that I was no longer homosexual. I had reached the plateau, a place of asexual contentment.
After four years, there has been an awakening of heterosexual feelings. To get off the plateau, you have to be willing to take risks. Not to sound trite, but the way off begins with prayer.
--Luanna Hansberger, former Regeneration staff member
The feeling of being "stuck" is the result of a wrong idea. Heterosexuality is our God-given identity, not what we feel.
We may never be attracted to all people of the opposite sex. But God will give us a loving and healthy attraction for the one who is to be our mate.
--Jack Hickey, former director of Reconciliation
The plateau is a place where you get real content, surround yourself with people "in the ministry," and avoid reaching out into the Church. To get off the plateau, you have to become involved with the heterosexual church scene. You have to take that risk and say, "Doggone, I'm going to do this and like it, even if it kills me."
That was my attitude when my roommate and I threw a Christmas party several years ago. We invited an equal number of men and women, and I was surprised what a good time I had. It was a turning point for me.
--Starla Allen, former Desert Stream staff member
It hurts to admit I'm still on the plateau. I've thrown my life totally into ex-gay ministry. In many ways, I've kept myself isolated from having heterosexual relationships--I simply don't have time.
On the other hand, there have been three women I've fallen in love with since leaving homosexuality. Each one did not work out, for different reasons. All my attempts at forming a heterosexual relationship have ended in frustration.
I cling to the promises in God's Word. I believe He has told me I will be married one day. I need to believe that in a very deep way, knowing that God is going to bring it to pass in due time.
--Doug Houck, founder of Metanoia Ministries
Reprinted from the Exodus Standard, Volume 5, Number 1, 1988.
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Copyright © 1988, All rights reserved.
Exodus International
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