Exodus International - The Souls of Black Folk, the Souls of All Folk

I remember being in high school reading about the life and works of W.E.B DuBois. There was such a deep stirring in my heart when my English teacher discussed his idea of “double consciousness” from his famous book The Souls of Black Folk. DuBois describes the internal struggle of living as a Black man in America:

“. . . an American, a Negro; two warring souls, two thoughts, two unreconciled strivings; two warring ideals in one dark body, whose dogged strength alone keeps it from being torn asunder. The history of the American Negro is the history of this strife, --this longing to attain self-conscious manhood, to merge his double self into a better and truer self.”

I could relate. W.E.B DuBois was one of the greatest African-American thinkers and activists of the early 20th century, and yet his words still ring true today. To be Black in America – more than 100 years after DuBois described double consciousness – is still to have two different identities: one where you are Black; one where you are an American. One of the greatest struggles of my life has been to try to reconcile those identities into a better, truer me.

But in high school, I could relate to those words on a much deeper level as well. Not only was I trying to understand my racial/cultural identity, but I was also struggling with my sexual identity. Can you relate? You don’t have to be an African-American to understand the broader context of double consciousness. At some level, we can all understand what it is like to try to reconcile a struggle that is so deep, it cuts into our very souls. W.E.B. DuBois was not the first to describe this conflict. The apostle Paul bewailed a similar phenomenon two millennia ago: “For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice . . . O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?” - Romans 7:19 and 24 (NIV)

Can you see what Paul is saying? He is essentially describing his two identities: one as a sinner, and the other as the righteous one God wants him to be. Except there is a fundamental difference between the identities DuBois described, and the identities Paul described. Paul’s identities could not be reconciled. He was eventually rescued from that “body of death,” and where that flesh was laid to rest, so was the inherent sin that kept him from walking in the righteousness of God.

How very sobering to realize that with God, there can be no merging of my gay identity and my Christian identity into “a better, truer me”; that the truer me is not defined by my sexual orientation, but by what Christ has called me to be.So what does that mean for my double consciousness? Where is the hope? For I often feel the desperation that Paul felt, and I want to cry, “Who will deliver me! Where is my hope! Where is my promise of a better tomorrow!”

I am not the wisest man on earth. I am not even the wisest man on the block! But in my short 24 years of life, I have grown to understand a little about this double consciousness. I have grown in my identity as a Black man, and as an American. I cannot say with good conscience that these two voices are completely merged as one, nor am I sure that it will be possible to say so in my lifetime. There is still much to do and there are many to educate when it comes to racial equality in America.

I have also grown to understand the voice that longs to be loved by a man. And, this voice has embedded itself in my soul through the years. I never asked for things to be this way – but I am an African-American who happens to struggle with homosexuality. To be sure, it is different to be Black struggling with homosexuality than it is to be White – or Asian, or Hispanic, or what have you. There seems to be so much more acceptance of gay culture in the white community (at least in the progressive metropolitan areas across the U.S.). In Black culture, “being gay” is traditionally not a subject we discuss – especially not in church. There are no great counselors to talk to in the Black church (by and large).

Sure, there is a nice fire and brimstone warning coming from the pulpit every once in a while, but little else is said. Unless of course you happen to attend one of the more “open-minded” churches, where there is a sort of understanding that homosexuality is wrong, so they will simply ignore the fact that half the men in the choir are sleeping with each other.

Outside the church is not much better. In African-American culture, we simply do not embrace a gay identity as a thing to be celebrated. Again, that type of gay pride is more common in the larger American culture. Yet despite the ambivalence – and sometimes, outright hatred – expressed towards homosexuality in Black America, the gay agenda has made inroads in our community. What has traditionally been an identity not worthy of celebration is quickly becoming an identity to be proud of! Yet, there is a fundamental quest we are all on. Whether you are an African-American or not, whether you are a same sex struggler or not, you understand double consciousness. You may not fathom it in racial terms, but at the very least in spiritual terms. And we have all cried out in some way, shape, or form “Who will deliver me!”

Let me encourage you, brothers and sisters. I have found a hope to answer my desperation, just as Paul did. There is a mighty Spirit within me that resounds, “Jesus Christ will deliver! For He will be glorified in you!” This Black History Month, remember who you are. Remember where this country has been, and where it needs to be. Remember that under all this skin and past all of our cultural differences, our souls are all the same. We all seek to know ourselves, and to know who we are in light of the One who died for our sins and challenged us with the words that resonate within me even more than DuBois’s words. J

esus said to his disciples 2,000 years ago, and He says to each of us today, “follow me”. He cannot force anyone to do it. Certainly, life has given me many reasons to give up, be bitter, and accept myself as a gay Black man. But by God’s grace, I have not been able to ignore the calling to follow Christ. And when I am tempted to walk away, my soul interjects, “Where else can I go? Jesus alone has the words of eternal life. And I have come to believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the Living God”

D. Freeman is a 24 year old graduate student who lives in Washington, DC.

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