How can former homosexuals prevent being pulled back into habit patterns of the past?
Sexual integrity is a state of consistency, in which your sexual expressions are consistent with God's standards. After repentance from homosexual sin, there is usually a period of real joy. Clear conscience, a sense of freedom, and newfound optimism make a powerful combination. This phase is so energizing that many people mistake it for a complete deliverance from sexual temptations.
"Now that I've given up my sin, and understand why I got involved with it in the first place, I know I could never go back," they say. That's a great attitude.
But it's also, sad to say, a temporary stage. Sooner or later temptations will come, and the rather mundane task of day-to-day maintenance replaces the understandable but unrealistic exhilaration.
Tribulation
This is nothing new. Jesus Himself said that many people receive the Word with great joy for a season, but if they have no root in themselves, they fall away when tribulation comes. Not if it comes; when it comes! So the best defense against falling away is maintenance.
Sexual integrity is an act of the will, expressed through day-to-day decisions. It's really that simple. Whether you succeed or fail will be determined by your willingness to make, and stick to, daily decisions to keep your sex life consistent with your standards. (Yes, you do have a sex life whether you're sexually active or not. As long as you have sexual desires, you have a sex life.)
It's also a matter of strategy. Integrity is maintained when you have a predetermined plan for dealing with the sexual temptations that you are most prone to. It's like gardening. To keep a yard up, you need to pay attention to maintenance, keeping the yard free of weeds, leaves, or any elements which prohibit healthy growth.
So even after making a new start, certain elements--weeds, of sorts--should be watched for and guarded against. Anyone who makes a major change has weeds to deal with: traces of old behavior, times of discouragement, and patterns to break. Common among these are compulsive sexual behavior, inner pollution, and homoerotic relationships.
The best offense is a good defense. Battling inward pollution is best done by keeping the inner man clean, or spiritually minded. Paul illustrated the struggle between the flesh and the Spirit in Galatians 5:17 by calling it a war between the two. They do battle with each other incessantly, so that you never seem to keep your thoughts as clean as you'd like to.
The trick is not to concentrate only on the negative (lustful thoughts) but to emphasize the positive. Paul's solution? "Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh" (Galatians 5:16).
Constant Prayer
Practically speaking, that means a life of consistent inward prayer. To be in constant prayer doesn't mean living like a monk. Instead, it means a consistent awareness of God's presence, plus nonstop acknowledgment of His nearness to you and residence within you. It means instant confession of sin when it occurs, and a commitment to keep your thoughts centered on Him.
Pastor Chuck Smith of Calvary Chapel in Costa Mesa, California, used to describe the futility of merely trying to drive dark forces out of your life. He compared it to being in a darkened room. "When you're in the dark," he would say, "it won't do any good to walk around with a baseball bat trying to drive the darkness out. Instead, try turning on the light." Walk in the Spirit--with the lights turned on--and inward pollution won't control you.
Homoerotic Attractions
Homoerotic relationships are distinct from homosexual ones in that they don't necessarily include sex, but they do include strong, mutual erotic attractions.
These situations can arise when two men or women are part of a support group dealing with homosexuality. They are drawn to each other, perhaps innocently at first, perhaps not. The two are enmeshed in a sensitive, dangerous communion of desire and dependency. What began as a seemingly godly friendship has turned into a snare. Should they consummate their lust, the repercussions are extreme.
It can happen to anybody. It does happen, in fact, among people of all orientations. Pastors and therapists fall into sexual relations with their counselees, and sympathetic husbands become too involved with the problems of another man's wife.
An affair is seldom the original plan; it gradually evolves when both parties refuse to recognize the erotic longings growing between them.
So don't consider yourself immune to this. More to the point, adopt this commandment: Thou Shalt Not Kid Thyself!
Being Honest
Call these strong attractions what they are. They're not a special "Jonathan and David/Ruth and Naomi" kind of love. They're not the beginning of a special friendship. They are, in fact, erotic attractions that can lead you and the other party to ruin.
You know they're present when you become mildly obsessed with another person, having to spend extra time with him at every support group meeting or church service, needing to know he likes you and wants your company.
When you require a long hug from him every time you say "hello," watch it. And if you're thinking about him constantly during the week, don't pretend there's no problem.
Instead, use common sense. You needn't flog yourself over this situation; it's understandable though undesirable. But don't ignore it, either. Although there's not a hard-and-fast rule for handling this, let me offer some suggestions.
The Way Out
Don't assume you should admit your attraction to the other person. Maybe you feel you should be honest, but consider this: By disclosing your feelings to him, you may well set up a stumbling block for him as well as yourself.
I would advise, instead, that you disclose this to your group leader, pastor, or whoever you're accountable to. Ask for that person's honest counsel and let him be a part of your struggle through this.
Avoid having an exclusive relationship with the other person. That only solidifies the problem. And speaking of common sense, don't be foolish enough to spend time alone with a person youÕre attracted to, especially if you sense the attraction is mutual. That's not only wrong but just plain stupid.
Draw clear boundaries, and stick to them. That's a part of the day-to-day decision-making that goes with sexual integrity--the decision not to do what you feel the most compelled to do at any given time.
Not Forever
Don't assume that a homoerotic relationship will last forever. If the two of you are sincere, and act on your sincerity, the attractions will diminish. Most likely they are idealizations, unrealistic and temporary, which will fade in time.
Explore your response to this person with your counselor or pastor, and you might find it springs from an emptiness of your own which youÕre trying to fill with the erotic love of another person.
This relationship may actually become beneficial to you if it indicates an area of yours that requires attention.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Joe Dallas is director of Genesis Counseling Services in Orange, California, and a former board president of Exodus International.
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This article is excerpted from Desires in Conflict: Answering the Struggle for Sexual Identity by Joe Dallas (See "Resources" section of this website to order your own copy.) Copyright © 1991 by Harvest House Publishers, Eugene, Oregon 97402. Used by permission.
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