Finding freedom from masturbation and impure sexual thoughts.
Cliff was about ten years old when he saw his first pornographic magazine. It happened in the basement of a neighbor’s house, where a fourteen-year-old boy showed the magazine to several younger boys.
After that experience, Cliff began noticing similar magazines at the local drugstore. By the time he was fifteen, he was sneaking a quick look through the current issue of Playgirl, aware that he was far more interested in looking at photos of men than women. By this time, he was also regularly indulging in masturbation, using the pictures he’d seen in magazines to feed his fantasies.
The struggle with masturbation and pornography remained a pattern in Cliff’s life for the next decade. During that time, he was a faithful church member. He graduated from a large Christian college, and then was hired as a full-time minister of music at a large suburban church. But all his spiritual activities did not seem to affect his powerful homosexual desires. Many times Cliff vowed to quit looking at pornography. His resolve usually lasted a week or two, then he’d be right back to his old patterns.
One time he refrained for six months, then found an old magazine in a department store restroom. The next week, Cliff found himself in an adult bookstore, looking for the current issue of the same magazine he’d found in the bathroom.
One Saturday night Cliff rented his first adult video. After that, his resistance vanished and he began watching several X-rated movies each week. Cliff desperately wanted to stop his sexual sin but he was hooked--just like many other men and women coming out of homosexuality and lesbianism.
The Dilemma of Sexual Feelings
How do men and women control their sexual behavior? Is it really possible to stop impure thoughts? How do we find purity in our sexual desires when we’ve indulged in homosexual relationships for many years?
“I didn’t think I could stop having sex for one day,” confessed George, who had been involved in gay relationships over a ten-year period, “let alone stop for a week or a year. And the thought of no sex for the rest of my life was too depressing even to think about.”
Why doesn’t God just wipe out all our sexual desires, like pulling the plug from a wall socket? Because our sexuality is an integral part of our humanness, which he has declared “good” (Genesis 1:31). Our sexual longings have become distorted, but they are nevertheless a marvelous creation and wonderful part of who we are as human beings.
Our sexuality draws us out of isolation. We were created for fellowship with other humans--and part of that companionship in marriage is sexual. “It is not good that man should be alone,” God said about Adam (Genesis 2:18) and he created Eve as a companion. Sexual neutrality would make for a very dull world.
So it’s helpful to remember that our sexual drive is good, not evil. We can easily fall into the error of seeing our sexual feelings as “the enemy,” an unfortunate part of our being that keeps us defeated in our Christian walk. “If I could only be asexual, with no sexual drive,” we may think, “then I could really be a mature Christian.” But God does not give us a partial lobotomy, then call us stable Christians because we no longer experience certain temptations. Maturity comes as we learn to control our sexuality. Just as our body’s muscles are strengthened by exercise, so our spiritual strength is built up by exercising self-control and maturity in our sexual choices.
Here’s another key insight: Our homosexual and lesbian feelings point to deeper emotional needs. Over the years, I (Bob) have asked many people overcoming homosexuality what drew them into lesbian or gay relationships. Many of them admitted that they were not primarily interested in sex, although that could certainly be one factor. But usually these people listed other reasons: loneliness, wanting attention from others, seeking affirmation, desiring companionship, avoiding boredom, feeling close to someone else, seeking excitement.
Most of these reasons are non-sexual. They are social and emotional. Therefore, these needs can potentially be met through non-sexual relationships. In fact, because homosexuality is, at its root, a symptom of unmet emotional needs, we will continue to struggle with homosexual feelings until these emotional longings are fulfilled.
Ultimately, our deepest needs are met through our relationship with God. He has created us that way; no human being can reach deep inside us like He can, in order to meet our core needs for communion and intimacy with another. Then we need people to help meet other social and emotional needs for companionship and friendship. These needs are universal and powerful. They must be met before we will find freedom in our sexuality. Until these emotional needs are satisfied, we will continue to struggle with inappropriate sexual desires.
Temptation versus Sin
Is it a sin to have homosexual or lesbian feelings? Does God condemn you for being attracted to other members of your own sex? No, being tempted is not the same as sin. No, God does not condemn us for our feelings.
All men and women have sexual feelings. All of us experience sexual attractions every day. Married people may be attracted to individuals other than their spouse. Are these feelings sinful?
The Bible distinguishes carefully between such feelings and sin. Inappropriate feelings, in biblical terminology, fit into the category of “temptation.” And temptations are not sin. Being sexually attracted to another person is not the same as “committing adultery in your heart” (see Matthew 5:28). You have to act on the temptation, either in your mind or body, in order for it to become sin.
Many, if not most, men and women coming out of homosexuality tend to forget this important distinction between temptation and sin. They suffer from continual condemnation, feeling dragged down, thinking that God is disapproving of them because of their same-sex feelings or attractions. Nothing could be further from the truth. God understands our struggles. He knows that our sexual energy does not suddenly “turn on” when we enter into marriage and then stay focused on our spouse for the rest of our life. All Christians have to deal with inappropriate sexual feelings and attractions. Those of us who are overcoming homosexuality are not unique; we don’t belong in a different subclass than the rest of the Church. Sexual struggles are a part of being human!
Jesus, in His humanity, experienced temptation. Even sexual temptation. “For we do not have a high priest [Jesus] who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet without sin” (Hebrews 4:15, emphasis added). This passage makes a clear distinction between “temptation” (something that Jesus experienced) and “sin” (something He did not). When do homosexual or lesbian temptations become sin? The book of James sheds light on this important question: “But each [person] is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin...” (James 1:14,15, emphasis added).
There is always a time gap between conception and birth. A homosexual thought occurring in our mind can either be killed or be nurtured. If it grows, it “gives birth to sin.” That’s where our ability to choose comes into effect.
We can choose whether or not homosexual thoughts (temptations) will become sin. If we nurture them, they will grow into lust. Simply defined, lust is the desire to have what is not rightfully mine. Another person’s body does not belong to me (unless I am married to that person). Therefore, it is not my right to use that individual’s body to bring me sexual pleasure. Of course, lust can involve much more than just sex. We can lust for emotional intimacy and seek it through forming relationships which avoid genital sex, but are riddled with deep and exclusive emotional bonds that are inappropriate. We can even lust for “good things” like marriage and children. Yes, such life experiences are wonderful, but we won’t possess them unless God gives them to us.
As ex-gays, we can even lust for something else that seems “good”: a total absence of homosexual or lesbian feelings. “If I can’t be totally healed,” some people have told us, “then I’m not interested at all!” What a tragic error. This type of “all-or-nothing” thinking does not take into account that coming out of homosexuality is a process. As we persevere, God will reward us with growth and maturity. But these qualities take time to develop; they come through persistence and perseverance. Change comes slowly, like the sun slowly moving across the sky. We must be patient with ourselves--and with the process of recovery.
Back to Roots
Homosexual or lesbian feelings are not sin. However, this does not mean we should simply accept our homosexual feelings as a “thorn in the flesh” and not seek to overcome them. Homosexual desires often are a symptom of unmet emotional needs. So let’s begin getting those needs met through appropriate relationships. Why settle for sexual frustration when you can have emotional fulfillment instead?
All of us have underlying emotional and relational needs that gave rise to struggles with homosexuality. Filling those underlying needs will not automatically eradicate your homosexual or lesbian desires. There are other factors we’ll discuss later (including wrong thought patterns and spiritual warfare) which are operating to keep them alive.
However, many men and women find that their homosexual or lesbian desires decrease in intensity when their emotional needs are being satisfied through healthy relationships. The deeper and more emotionally-satisfying these relationships, the less you will tempted to meet those emotional needs through inappropriate sexual acts or emotional dependencies.
Coping with Sexual Temptation
We can’t avoid sexual stimulation in our culture--unless we hide at home with a bag over our heads! Today sexual stimuli are everywhere we look--television, movies, magazines and newspapers. Our local paper in San Francisco has even taken its readers into the back rooms of lesbian sadomasochism bars.
So what do we do?
* Expect sexual temptation. You already know it’s part of life. So accept that reality and keep in mind the important distinction between homosexual temptation and sin. Be prepared for temptation; you cannot live in our world and expect to totally avoid it. Each morning, pray that God will protect your mind as you go out into the world and face frequent sexual temptations.
* Identify your “triggers” to temptation. Everyone has patterns of temptation. For some, they are attacked with sexual thoughts upon waking up or just prior to falling asleep. Others are susceptible when they are tired later in the day or during times of stress.
There are seasonal factors. Men tend to struggle more in the summer, when everyone dresses in skimpier clothing and the visual stimulation soars. Others dread “family” holidays like Christmas or Mother’s Day, when feelings of loneliness can lead to overwhelming sexual temptations. For women (and some men), temptation levels can also follow a monthly cycle.
Many ex-gays have found help in taking a close look at their sexual “triggers.” These sources of increased temptation can be physical (illness, tired, tense, stressed, pressured) or emotional (fearful, angry, sad, humiliated, victimized, lonely, empty, rejected, overwhelmed).
Triggers can also be spiritual in origin. Sometimes temptations come “from nowhere,” with no emotional or physical stimulus that you can identify. Temptations can arise from Satan, our enemy (see 2 Corinthians 11:3). But often these whispers from the enemy come in conjunction with some physical or emotional vulnerability (for example, Jesus had been in the wilderness fasting for forty days when finally Satan appeared to him--Matthew 4:2).
* Develop preventive strategies. Take control of your environment as much as you can. You can’t, for example, necessarily control the kind of magazines displayed at the local corner convenience store. But you can choose to go to a larger supermarket which doesn’t sell pornography. Yes, it’s a nuisance to stand in a checkout line but what is more important? Your recovery process or waiting an extra few minutes? (You can use the time waiting in line to review your temptation patterns for that day!)
Another example: You may not be able to control the fact that one of your co-workers is very sexually attractive to you. But you can choose to begin praying for his or her salvation (or Christian growth if that person is already a believer) every time you are tempted to fantasize. This will tend to counteract any “spiritual” influence behind the temptation. When Satan sees that every time you are tempted, you begin to pray, he will probably try another strategy to make you discouraged.
Identifying Triggers: Emotional Needs and Temptation I (Bob) realized the close relationship between homosexual temptation and emotions about a year after I had become involved in ex-gay ministry. I was back home in Vancouver, Canada, driving to a Sunday evening church service. I became aware of my eyes being drawn to almost every man walking down the street as I drove by. My temptation level was noticeably higher than usual.
I didn’t have time to analyze my reactions at the time, but later I thought about the situation. “What on earth was going on?” I asked myself. “What was I feeling at that moment?” I realized that I had been feeling nervous and insecure. That Sunday evening, I had returned to my home church to share publicly my testimony of dealing with homosexuality in my life. These people had been my spiritual family for several years immediately prior to my move to California. I worried that they would reject me. I was feeling extremely vulnerable.
The evening service went well; none of my fears materialized. But the whole experience taught me an important lesson. “What am I feeling right now?” is an important question to ask when you are being tempted. What emotional needs are being expressed through the sexual temptation? Once the emotional need is identified, you can begin to find alternate ways to meet it.
Identifying Triggers: Fetishes and Partialisms
Most people have heard of fetishes, which are non-living objects that become the source of sexual stimulation. Common examples are types of fabric (silk, leather), articles of clothing (underwear, shoes) or other objects which have become linked with sexual arousal. Fewer people have heard of “partialisms,” which is the term for non-sexual parts of the body that cause arousal (such as the nose, feet, biceps, moustache or legs).
These patterns of sexual arousal are far more common in men than women and they are very resistant to change. So don’t be discouraged by lingering patterns from the past; the patterns of arousal will normally diminish over time. Make a conscious choice to resist such thoughts when they come to mind, without feeling condemned for having them. And make a habit of praying against any spiritual influences which may be prompting them.
If you find yourself consistently nurturing memories of a past relationship, perhaps it’s time to take some spiritual offensive action. With another person as your witness, verbally renounce the relationship, asking God’s forgiveness for participating in sexual acts with that person. Ask God to sever the emotional and sexual ties which were formed in that relationship. And pray for that person’s release from homosexuality or lesbianism. Men, pray for insights into your particular partialisms. Realize that they are largely symbolic of your own needs and feelings of inadequacy. Specific parts of the body can represent what we are looking for--but lacking--in ourselves:
Arms. Strength, protection, emotional stability (we feel vulnerable, unprotected
Chest. Father figure, maturity (we want nurturing, intimacy, closeness, affection, love)
Genitals. Potency, manhood (we feel inadequate in our sense of masculinity)
Women, also, can be drawn to certain physical attributes in other women. Some women, particularly those who experienced a lack of nurturing with their own mother, are drawn to other women with large breasts.
One former lesbian named Anna said, “When I meet a woman with big, soft brown eyes, I know I’m in trouble.” Her first lover had large brown eyes, and this feature triggered Anna’s attraction when she encountered it in other women.
Whatever we lack in ourselves, we are attracted to in other people. But having sex with others of our own gender will never increase our own masculinity or femininity. Homosexual relations are as effective as drinking salty water; both activities leave us unsatisfied, thirsting for more.
Identifying Triggers: Envy Much same-sex lust is rooted in envy. We compare ourselves with others in terms of our physical makeup, emotional stability or spiritual maturity--and come up lacking. Then we begin to struggle with sexual attraction to them.
In talking to many people, we have found two common patterns to this struggle with envy. Usually our attractions fall into these categories:
* Physical attributes. We are short and we are attracted to someone tall; we are dark and we are attracted to someone fair; we are overweight and we are attracted to someone slender and athletic.
Some physical qualities are not changeable (e.g. height). Uprooting envy involves accepting our unchangeable physical qualities, knowing that God planned every detail of our physical makeup (Psalm 139:15-16).
Other physical qualities can be changed (e.g. weight). If we are overweight and constantly drawn to the athletic type, we have to decide how much time and effort we are willing to put into our own physical fitness program.
* Personality. We feel insecure and are attracted to someone confident; we are shy and attracted to the extrovert. There are certain facts about our personality that will never change substantially. If we’re quiet, we may never be “the life of the party.” But we can still mature and grow in our own personality, so that we have an inner confidence and strength that may be lacking right now.
“I’ve always been quiet,” admits Brian. “I realize that I’ll probably never be the entertainer, the clown at social gatherings. But that’s OK with me now. I have become much more confident inside. I can speak up when I need to. And men with an outgoing personality, although still attractive to me, are no longer the source of envy and fantasy on my part.”
Breaking Ties
Often our physical possessions can keep past associations alive in our emotions. One important aspect of making a break with our past is “cleansing our environment.” This principle includes the obvious symbols of our past: pornography, sex toys, gay magazines and books, safe-sex posters.
But there can be myriads of other possessions which provide strong emotional links with the past that we must prayerfully sort through:
* Mementos. Souvenirs of special trips with a former lover; bracelets, watches or other significant gifts from gay friends; homosexual-related (especially seductive) photos, home movies, videotapes.
* Records, tapes, CD’s. Recordings by gay singers or pro-gay “folk heroes,” movies with gay themes, tapes which promote immorality or inappropriate sensuality, songs which were “special” to you and a certain gay friend or lover.
* Paperwork. Membership cards and brochures from pro-gay churches and other organizations, discount cards to lesbian establishments, the “little black book” with phone numbers of former friends in the lifestyle, “holy union” certificates.
* Clothing. Invite the Holy Spirit (and perhaps also a counselor or discerning Christian friend) to show you the truth about your wardrobe. You can look for items such as: outfits which were used to seduce others; apparel purchased because of its association with “gay” fashions; “sexy” underwear or lingerie that prompts wrong lustful feelings; leather jackets or pants which remind you of certain bars, people or immoral sexual practices.
* Household goods and cars. Sometimes even major possessions in your home or apartment must be given away or sold because of their strong association with a person or event you need to leave behind. One woman donated all her household furniture to a charitable organization when she moved out of the house she’d shared with a longtime lover. Another man decided to sell his cherry red sport coup convertible when he left the lifestyle. He had bought the car specifically to help him pick up other men for sex while driving through the cruising areas in town.
So far in this article, we have talked about general principles of temptation. Now let’s apply these insights to the issue of masturbation.
Masturbation
Masturbation is a major struggle for most men and women overcoming homosexuality. “Is masturbation a sin?” is usually the first question discussed in most books which address this topic. Everyone has differing opinions; however, most do agree on one thing: the Bible is silent about the practice of masturbation.
Here’s a more relevant question to ask at this point: “How is masturbation affecting my recovery process?” Is it pushing you forward into new levels of freedom--or dragging you back into old thought patterns?
Most ex-gays find masturbation a negative influence on their healing process because it is accompanied by lesbian or gay fantasies. Obviously, as long as such memories or fantasies are reinforced, we will not make much progress in moving away from a homosexual mindset.
For many, masturbation is also an addiction. In biblical terms, we have become “slaves to sin” (Romans 6:6). We no longer have control over the practice. Our sexuality rules us, rather than us having control of our sexual appetite.
Some men and women have found that the guilt and separation from God they sense after masturbating opens them up to spiritual warfare on other issues. This habit can trigger temptation in other, more overt, areas of sexual sin. Masturbation can be compared to binging on junk food. It satisfies the physical appetite for the moment but often leaves you feeling kind of sick and empty. That’s because God created sex to be more than a release of tension. He wants it to promote love, commitment and permanence in a marriage relationship. Masturbation lacks any of these qualities.
We’ve found that most ex-gays want to stop this practice. Why is it so hard to overcome? Because there are so many complex motivations which prompt this behavior pattern.
* Physical motivations. In men, there is a continual production of semen which is stored in two internal “storage tanks” called the seminal vesicles. When these are filled, the sexual drive comes alive and the desire for some sort of release becomes conscious. So the desire for a sexual release can arise strongly in a man’s mind without any sinful encouragement on his part.
With women, there are also difficulties. At certain times in the monthly cycle, the higher levels of certain hormones (androgens and possibly estrogens) raise a woman’s sexual desires and therefore increase the temptation to masturbate. Getting through these days can be extremely difficult for many women.
Do these physical facts mean that masturbation is unavoidable? No. But they explain, in part, why masturbation is such a common struggle.
* Emotional motivations. Masturbation is also linked to our emotional needs. If you doubt this, notice when your desire to masturbate is strongest. Typically, the struggle intensifies when you are experiencing certain emotions, such as loneliness, fear, anger or boredom. Masturbation is a false solution to our emotional needs.
Overcoming Masturbation Most of us want to overcome masturbation. What steps can we take to accomplish this goal?
* Make no provision for the flesh. Sometimes we need to be practical in fighting sin. We can set ourselves up for temptation without even realizing it.
For example, Larry realized that he always masturbated after shaving in the morning. Following his shower, he would stand in front of the mirror, naked, when the temptation would hit. Other men have discovered a similar pattern. Most guys are visually stimulated by nudity--even their own. Larry found that his temptations lessened when he took the simple step of putting on a bathrobe before shaving. Others are commonly tempted just as they are drifting off to sleep.
If this is your weakness, begin taking note of what you’ve been reading or seeing on television just before bedtime. Has the input been less than profitable? Consider possible alternate activities: a short devotional time or listening to worshipful tapes before turning out the light.
* Look for emotional roots. When you sense the desire to masturbate, ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?” Lonely? Bored? Tired? Angry? Frustrated? Anxious? Depressed?
Any of these emotions can become a “trigger” for the temptation. But a physical release will not meet the underlying emotional need. Once you have identified the emotions you’re experiencing, begin seeking God for practical wisdom on how to better meet that need.
Perhaps one evening you’re lonely. So you have to take the initiative to reach out to someone else, like calling a friend from work or writing to an old friend from your college youth group. If you need comfort, maybe you need to take the evening off, wrap up in your favorite blanket with a cup of hot chocolate, and enjoy a favorite old movie.
These are just examples of how we can begin to meet our legitimate needs in appropriate ways, rather than masturbating to temporarily numb our feelings. We have to be willing to feel--and seek resolution for--the underlying emotional pain which is prompting the escape into masturbation.
* Seek accountability. Problems like masturbation thrive in secrecy. When the problem is brought out “into the light” and shared with another person, there is new power to overcome it. “Confess your faults to one another” and “walk in the light” are two common exhortations (James 5:16 and 1 John 1:7).
Unfortunately, too few Christians are willing to open up this private area of their lives to others. But masturbation is almost a universal struggle among singles, particularly men. So this is an ideal area for mutual accountability among Christians--and it doesn’t necessarily mean the confession of homosexual struggles if you’re not yet that open with fellow believers.
* Put the issue in perspective. Almost all singles (and many marrieds) have struggled with masturbation. So you’re not unique, a bad person or a spiritual basket-case. You’re simply an average person with a common struggle.
* Be realistic. If you’ve been indulging in this behavior for years, don’t expect that the temptation will vanish overnight. It’s going to take consistent effort and emotional maturity to overcome. If your habit is decreasing in frequency, that’s great! Be encouraged that you are making progress. And ask God to give you an increased desire to please Him in all areas of your life.
Overcoming Homosexuality
Will you successfully overcome homosexuality? The answer to that question depends on what happens in your mind. Your thought life is the battlefield where victory is really won or lost. Some attempts to overcome sexual temptation--cold showers to avoid masturbation, changing jobs to escape an attractive co-worker, moving to a new apartment to avoid a gay neighbor--may be only a temporary solution.
If the underlying reasons for being homosexually tempted are not discovered and resolved, these solutions can like putting a cork into the spout of a dripping tap. The water pressure continues to build and, at some point, the cork blows off and the water comes rushing out. A better solution is to turn off the water at its source. Similarly, we must “get to the source” of our continuing temptations in order to get free of them.
The Inner Battleground
Winning the war of your thought life will be one of your toughest challenges as a Christian. Some of you may have experienced defeat for so long in this area that you wonder if victory is even possible.
In Romans 12:2, Paul commands us, “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Let’s apply his words to our situation: We must change our thinking in order to break from the mindset and/or actions of a homosexual lifestyle. Ex-gay men and women have to fight this battle on three main fronts:
* Memories of the past. It’s not unusual for an ex-gay man to have had dozens, if not hundreds, of past sexual encounters. Other ex-gay men and women have had longer-term relationships; a few have had no overt sexual experiences but may have indulged in homosexual-related activities, such as pornographic magazines and movies. But whether our homosexual experiences have been extensive or limited, we all have memories of the past which must be overcome.
* Sexual fantasies. Our imagination is an incredible gift from God, with potential for tremendous good or evil. Immoral fantasies can be especially troubling to those of us with little overt homosexual experiences, who have spent years escaping into daydreams of imaginary erotic and romantic same-sex relationships.
* Distorted patterns of thought. There are also non-sexual areas where we can struggle in our mind, such as thoughts about our relationship with God (“God hates me because I’m gay”), thoughts about our relationships with other people (“I’ll never be able to relate to other women”) and thoughts about our future (“I’ll always be gay”). Unless these thought patterns change, we will be continually defeated and discouraged in our recovery process.
Fantasies
Often we gauge someone’s success in overcoming homosexuality by how he or she acts in public. A more accurate gauge of freedom is our fantasy life, what takes place when our mind is idle. Where do our fantasies take us then?
All of us are going to have thoughts enter our minds which are ungodly. When this occurs, we have three options: indulgence, repression or replacement.
Obviously, to indulge in homosexual fantasies is sinful. That means we have two other reasonable options:
* Repression. Many Christian books suggest various techniques to conquer lust which, at first reading, sound very spiritual. Here’s a common one: When you are tempted to fantasize impure thoughts, quote an appropriate Bible verse. This type of strategy is effective for the moment but “repression” techniques are not a long-term solution. In order to conquer ingrained thought patterns, you have to deal with the underlying emotional and spiritual needs that are feeding them.
We are not trying to minimize the importance of knowing God’s Word. However, we have talked to many people who were told to “just pray more” or “quote a verse when you are tempted.” Their counselor did not take them any deeper and these persons eventually returned to homosexual activities in discouragement, because their temptations did not diminish over time.
Now let’s compare that solution with a more effective answer:
* Replacement. The lies of our past must be replaced with the truths of God’s Word. Reading the Bible is essential but not just so that we can repeat a verse as a “magic mantra” in the midst of temptation. Rather, through the diligent, regular study and application of biblical principles, we experience changes in the way we look at God, the world and ourselves. Our “worldview” evolves into an outlook which reflects the truth, rather than the distortions of our secular society.
We come to discover the reality of God’s love for us as individuals (see Romans 5:8), His desire to forgive us for all sin--including homosexual thoughts and actions (1 John 1:9). The Bible’s perspective, when acted upon in our daily lives, will profoundly change the way we see our past and chart our future.
Dealing with Memories
Our memory is a marvelous gift, but it can also seem like a curse at times. If we previously indulged in sexual sin, it’s hard to forget graphic details. “This was a major problem for me,” Cheryl said. “I’d reflect on the great times: the excitement when my lover and I first met, camping trips we took together, parties with other friends from the lifestyle. All too often, I’d forget the bitter fights we had, the jealous power plays when I worried she was attracted to someone else.”
Cheryl’s words provide an important insight: Memories are rarely accurate in every detail. They get twisted with time. Unfortunately, often we magnify the good times in the past, the fun we had in homosexual activities, the excitement, glamour and sexual thrills. But we forget the nights of loneliness, the frustrations of seeking a long-term relationship, the anguish of being left for another lover, the fear of sexually-transmitted diseases, the depression of knowing your family disapproves of your relationships.
When you’re plagued by old memories, ask God to give you a true, full picture of the past, especially when you find yourself only remembering the positive aspects. Memories do fade with time. We can hasten their demise by not dwelling on them or reinforcing them.
Other Practical Tips
Problems with inappropriate thoughts can occur at certain times of the day, such as upon awakening or just before going to sleep. Problems can also occur when our mind enters “neutral,” such as when we’re driving a familiar route to work or performing a repetitious task at work.
I (Bob) have found it helpful to install a cassette player in my car and I constantly have sermons, lectures or music tapes playing in the car to keep my mind occupied. At other times, I record favorite Christian radio programs, which I can replay during my commute to work and back home. An increasing number of Christian books are also available on tape.
Some thought patterns are simply bad habits from the past; others are based on past associations. For example, if you and your gay friends always attended a drag event at Halloween, it will be natural for you to associate that evening with past events. If birthdays were celebrated with wild partying and sex, those memories may be triggered each year for awhile.
It will take time to develop different annual patterns; be patient with yourself while new associations and memories are built up in your mind. And plan ahead, so you can have “fun” activities scheduled for those anniversaries and other difficult times when memories will arise from the past.
Reality of Spiritual Warfare
The idea that the devil is a personal being who can influence our lives is dismissed with a laugh by much of our society. But the Scriptures teach that Satan is a fallen angel of great power, with direct access to our lives.
“Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour” (1 Peter 5:8). He is identified as a tempter “who leads the whole world astray” (1 Thessalonians 3:5, Revelation 12:9). We can make two mistakes in dealing with Satan: living in excessive fear, or ignoring his existence altogether.
God gives us divine protection against the enemy. You’ve probably heard sermons on the “spiritual armor” of Ephesians chapter six, but have you ever applied these pieces of armor to your battle against homosexuality? Here are some examples:
* Belt of truth. Principle: God’s Word--and not my own feelings--determine what is true.
Some Applications: God loves me, though I struggle with homosexual feelings--and even behavior (“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” Romans 5:8). God is able to help me not stumble back into homosexual behavior (“To him who is able to keep you from falling...” Jude 24). God stands with me in my fight against gay or lesbian sin (“If God be for us, who can be against us?” Romans 8:31, KJV).
* Breastplate of righteousness. Principle: My impure heart is cleansed by the blood of Christ.
Some Applications: When I repent, Jesus cleanses me from all homosexual sin, including lustful thoughts, masturbation or sexual encounters (“the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin”--1 John 1:7). In spite of my ongoing homosexual temptations, I can be righteous in Christ (“not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ”--Philippians 3:9).
Rebuilding the Wall
I (Bob) like to compare our mind to a walled city of Old Testament times. The thick, high barrier protects the inhabitants by keeping enemies out. But when we have indulged in sexual fantasies for many years, our mind is like a city with the wall broken down. The stones are lying scattered on the ground. Our spiritual enemies--Satan and his demonic hosts--have free access to our minds. They can run in and out at will.
We have to rebuild the walls of our mind, erecting a spiritual “barrier” of purity and strength against the invasion of these enemies and their temptations of impure, lustful thoughts. The wall is not built up again overnight; it has been broken down over a long period. It will take some consistent, long-term effort to restore the wall.
There are many ways to “rebuild the wall,” besides the basics of Bible reading, prayer and church attendance. Each time we engage in these activities and choose to think pure, godly thoughts, we put another “brick” in place on the wall. Here are some practical suggestions for your own rebuilding program:
* Watch Christian videos, including contemporary films, concerts, nature films (such as “Sermons from Science”), Bible teachings and lectures on recovery from homosexuality and other relevant topics. * Read Christian magazines, especially those which focus on your interests (for example, women’s issues, men’s testimonies, sports profiles, contemporary Christian music, marriage and family). * Listen to Christian music tapes or compact discs, which are available in every style, ranging from pop to Western to classical to rock. Some tapes feature Scriptures set to music, an excellent way to absorb God’s Word and its principles. * Read Christian books, from current best-sellers to the old classics. Spend time with church friends in a wide variety of settings, from formal Bible studies to fun times over pizza. Even when your conversation is not about “spiritual” matters, the fact that these friends share your love for God helps reinforce your biblical perspective. Don’t dismiss classic “secular” books and movies, which often reflect the biblical foundations of our culture. Often they focus on faith, sacrifice, commitment and other wholesome values which support a godly worldview. Input does not have to be strictly limited to “religious” books, music, movies and magazines in order to help us focus on the truths of Scripture.
Just as our old mindset of homosexuality was tentative at first, then reinforced over and over again by our thoughts and activities, so our Christian mindset must be developed slowly and consistently over a long period of time. The Bible refers to this process as “renewing the mind” (see Romans 12:2), which is one of the most important principles of attaining significant freedom from gay or lesbian thoughts and feelings.
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Copyright © 1993 by Bob Davies & Lori Rentzel. This material is excerpted from the book COMING OUT OF HOMOSEXUALITY(InterVarsity Press). To order a copy online, go to the "Resources" section of this website.
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