by Ethan Martin, Intern

As is the case with most male homosexual strugglers, my struggle began at a young age.  As a child, my mother was perfect in my sight. I remember dressing up in her clothes, putting on her shoes, and applying makeup to imitate her. My father was a different story.  He was very strict and punitive, often punishing me for the slightest of offenses.  He held fast to the “spare the rod, spoil the child” motto, and often went too far.  His aggressive outbursts emotionally and physically abused my older brother and me.   Because of my father’s verbal attacks on us, my brother and I grew up wounding one another emotionally and physically in response.

Although experiencing the same abuses as children, my brother and I had very different temperaments. I was a sensitive, compassionate child who often cried at the pain of others, empathizing with them.  My brother was seen as stronger, had a high tolerance for pain, and rarely showed emotion. My dad wanted us to be athletic so he pushed us into sports.  I grew fearful seeing his verbal torment of my brother in sports and did not want to receive a similar attack.  I found myself rejecting sports, and doing things that I was naturally good at, like singing, dancing, and acting.  I also rejected the idea of masculinity as portrayed by my only male role model, my father.

As I continued to grow, more and more people called me names: sissy, fag, queer, and gay.  My pain intensified when my parents got divorced.  By the age of twelve we moved across the state, so contact with my father was limited, which I was okay with. 

As puberty started, because of my bad experience with my dad and the abusive relationship with my brother, I began to find solace in hanging around with girls.  They were safe and enjoyed the things I enjoyed.  I felt fear and trepidation around large groups of boys, and sought escape with the girls.

At the same time, I also had a strong desire to be with another guy, and to feel loved and desired by another man. As a teenager, I became really involved with my church youth group. As a Christian very involved with church, my attractions seemed more detestable and shameful. 

At college, I heard the message that it’s ok to be gay and Christian; this was my answer! I believed the deceptions of gay theology, and soon “came out of the closet.”  My mom found out and asked me not to tell many people until she had a chance to talk to me one-on-one.  Out of respect for my mother, I complied.  That spring break of my freshman year, I went home and we talked.  She said most of the things I had heard from growing up in church. But she also told me some things that I did not know.  She told me that everyone struggles with one sin or another.  She told me that whatever I decided for my life, she would love me no less.

The next day I went to youth group and was sitting there singing praise and worship.  As the group started to sing “It’s all about you, Jesus,” I sat there and listened to the words.  This is when Truth was revealed to me.  God told me that my life is not about me.  As a Christian, I am called to live my life for Christ, to sacrifice daily, and to follow His will for my life.  Right then and there, I rededicated my life to Christ, taking on the struggle again instead of giving up.  Since then, it has not always been easy.  It’s called a struggle for a reason. 

God gives us “armor” because we are constantly in a battle against the enemy.  Through it all I have been able to trust that what God wants for my life is infinitely better than what I want for my life.  I can now rest knowing that God will never give me more than I can handle.  I can rest knowing that there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. 

Today, I am working on my Master’s degree in Professional Counseling, as God has called me to be an agent of healing for those who struggle like I do.  I can now look back at the sensitive, compassionate young boy and see that God had made me that way for a reason, and now I can use those characteristics for His glory and to help others.